Table of contents for Fantasies and Goal Setting

1. Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves – Part 1
2. Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves – Part 2
3. Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves – Part 3
4. Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves – Part 4

Over the past few days, I have examined fantasies, both daydreams and sexual fantasies. I’ve explored the surface meanings and dug deeper to show how they are like a window to the subconscious and a way to get in touch with our authentic selves. Clearly, both daydreams and sexual fantasies are rich in meaning. What appears on the surface to be shallow has a depth that we often don’t even realize.

Fantasies Give Us Creative Control

Several times throughout the examination of fantasies, the element of control has come up. We get to control the events in the fantasy and in turn we can control the way our “dream life” plays out. They give us a chance to be creative, even if we can’t express that in reality. There are no limits to what we can accomplish in fantasy. The bigger the dream, the better the fantasy. We get to explore multiple options and ideas of how to reach our goals. This creativity sets us free to craft a plan without making a mistake that would most likely be costly to undo.

Many times in the real world, we are too pressured for time to work through problems throughly. We may look at a few options, but not throughly consider the outcomes. Taking advantage of the full depth of your creativity in your fantasies and daydreams actually makes it easier to carry ideas into your day to day activities.

Fantasies Open Our Minds To Possibilities

Without a doubt, fantasies make us feel good. Not only do they make us feel good, but they allow us to extend that feeling into all areas of our life. In fantasy, we get to connect all the dots and make everything work, not just a little part.

Feeling good then puts us in emotional balance. We can feel deeply and are just more content. This may not last for long, but it’s a great feeling when it does arrive. The more we feel the upsides, the easier it is to get through the downsides.

In turn emotional balance helps us feel hope that things will turn out well. Hope is a wonderful feeling. It’s the underlying feeling of motivation. It’s the power the drives us to do and not just plan. Hope will keep us moving even if the goal feels far away.

As the first step, fantasies are great for lifting us up.

The important next step when we feel that hope, is to set goals. Having goals, written out, means we are more likely to follow through on what we really want. Otherwise, we run the risk of sinking back into despair of the realities of “real life.”

Fantasies matter because they are more than just a pleasant way to pass the time. As I’ve shown throughout this series, dreams, daydreams, and sexual fantasies have possibilities hanging out beneath the surface. Tapping into those deeper meanings can be a powerful tool in our mental goal setting toolbox.

You may choose to simply enjoy your daydreams and sexual fantasies. Or, you may choose to examine them for clarity into what you really want. Either way, I hope your dreams come true and your goals are met.

If you have any comments, questions, or thoughts on this part or other parts in this series, please leave them for me below.

Photo Credits: Deep End by divinemisscopa; Ski Lift by Joe Shlabotnik

Table of contents for Fantasies and Goal Setting

1. Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves – Part 1
2. Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves – Part 2
3. Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves – Part 3
4. Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves – Part 4

Yesterday, in Part 2, I discussed daydreams in light of how they can help us define our goals and pick out what we really want in life. Today, in Part 3, I want to discuss sexual fantasies in the same way, showing that they can be about so much more than simple pleasure.

Obviously, the first meaning that occurs to us about sexual fantasies is that we want a better sex life. However, there are sex fantasies that bear no resemblance to the way we wish our sex lives were – we firmly wish them to stay just fantasies. So, do we just choose these fantasies because they feel good? I believe that is an important element; however, there is a more important question: Why do they feel good? Because they aren’t just about sex – that’s just the overt message of the fantasy.

All creatures, humans not excepted, are sexual. Although society doesn’t talk about sex and sexuality very openly, it’s a primal part of who we are. Therefore, any desires that are not sexual, yet can be seen in our sexual fantasies, are very deep in our psyche and very much a part of our authentic self. I hope by examining the following common sexual fantasies, you understand why I believe this.

The Rape Fantasy

Anyone who has this fantasy will tell you that it’s not about being raped at all; it’s so commonly known that even the media will say so. Rape isn’t about sex at all. Rape is about domination, humiliation and violence. However, rape fantasies can be about desires that are very empowering.

1. Control over even the bad aspects of life. We all know that crap happens in life that we have no control over. Sure, we can control our reactions, but we don’t have control over whether it occurs in the first place. However, everything in a fantasy is controlled by the one imagining it. While the domination part of the fantasy may be arousing, the aspect of control is much more appealing. Also, because of this control aspect, in a fantasy the “attacked” can say no and it stops.

I’m sure a psychologist could take this even deeper and say that the one having the fantasy is projecting all their emotional baggage onto the perpetrator in the imagined scenario; however, that feels to be to be a bit of a stretch. After all, since it is a fantasy, the one imagining wouldn’t choose a partner whom they can’t stand in real life. Rather, they pick someone they like in real life, maybe even someone who “doesn’t know they exist.” This would be appealing because then they get to be…

2. Center of sexual attention. There is no doubt that the forceful domination in the fantasy makes the one having it the center of attention. It’s all about them and what is happening to them. In real life, many people feel that they aren’t being paid attention to. This doesn’t have to be in a sexual way, but that can be the most obvious. Having a fantasy where you are the center of attention allows you to have what you don’t have in real life.

Going a little deeper, when we’re not paid attention to, we get the message that we don’t matter. Especially in a sexual relationship, feeling like you matter is very important. If that element is lacking in real life, it’s very likely to show up in fantasy life.

3. Being able to express our primal, “impolite” and “improper” side. As I mentioned above, sex isn’t talked about openly in society. I wish this wasn’t so, but unfortunately, it is. While advertisers know that “sex sells,” they are the only ones really allowing sexuality free expression.

However, since our sexuality is such a part of us, we get very mixed messages about what is proper. Is it Okay to be sexual? Will we be looked down upon if we discuss sex?

There’s none of this debate in fantasy. Fantasy is as free to express sexuality as a person can get. The only limits are those of the individual. Since fantasies stay in our head, there’s no one to judge them, no one to tell us that we are being a “tramp” or worse. And, since a domination fantasy such as rape is beyond “vanilla sex”, it’s all the more appealing.

As you can see, although a rape fantasy may appear extreme and even unhealthy on the surface, it really masks much more empowering desires.

Center of Attention

This is a label I’m giving to a fantasy where the person is the one everyone approaches at the bar, or at a dance club. While this fantasy is sexual in nature, it may not actually involve sex itself. Also, as a woman, I can’t tell you if guys have this fantasy or not. I can only vouch for myself.

1. Being attractive. As someone who was teased as a child, being able to go into a crowded bar or dance club and be approached by lots of men is very appealing.

There is a strong allure to being seen as highly attractive, by not just one, but many potential partners. Of course, given this is a fantasy, all are attractive, but even if there are other beautiful people in the room that could be chosen, they are all ignored.

2. The ability to be charming, funny, and coy. In real life, if I was approached by an attractive man, aside from being polite about letting him know I’m married, I would be stumbling over my words and probably feel like I was embarrassing myself.

In fantasy, all of this goes away. All our jokes are funny, all our innuendos have the desired effect. We can even rewind the film of the fantasy and reword what we say if we think of a better way to phrase it. Our smiles and our body language just pull our potential partners closer. There is no need to fear being laughed at or ridiculed – no matter what, we will be admired.

3. Get to show off skills we may or may not have in real life. We get to be a pool shark, or a great poker player. We get to be good at darts, great and dancing, or know exactly which wine to pick.

I can sink a few pool balls, can play Texas Hold ‘Em for a hand or two, probably hit the dart board, walk onto the dance floor but not much else, and don’t really know the difference between a white and a blush. However, that’s in real life. In fantasy, I get to be good at all those things I only wish I was good at in real life. Added to the other points above, I don’t just get to do this alone in a pool hall, but to a chorus of cheers.

The main purpose of sexual fantasies is of course the sexual excitement. But, if others are like me, we tend to have our “favorites.” Whatever that favorite may be, it’s the one that appeals to us over and over. I believe that can’t be just because we know it works sexually.

I believe this is also because, even though we often aren’t aware of it, these fantasies have underlying elements that appeal to us just as much. These elements empower us in ways that we usually don’t have the chance to be in real life. Since empowerment is an important ingredient in getting what we most want in life, it can be very telling to examine our sexual fantasies.

Tomorrow is the last post in this series where I tie all the points I made together. I hope you have enjoyed this series so far, and I hope you’ll come back tomorrow for the final part.

If you have any thoughts or comments on this or any of the other two parts, please leave them below.

Photo Credits: Leopards by rodrigo senna; Black and White Glamor Photo by Lampeduza; Flirting by russelljsmith

Table of contents for Fantasies and Goal Setting

1. Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves – Part 1
2. Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves – Part 2
3. Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves – Part 3
4. Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves – Part 4

The first step in any self improvement effort is to get clear about what you really want. While you may be able to start with only the outline of the end goal, you will soon have to set a firm goal. No matter what you are trying to accomplish, you need to know what you are shooting for. Then, even after you have defined your goals and are very clear about what you want, you aren’t completely done. You must still review them periodically to gauge your progress and confirm that you still want to work toward those specific goals.

But, what if you don’t know what you really want? How can you set goals that are clear and specific if your wishes for the future are a bit vague or fuzzy? One of the ways, and maybe the way that’s the most fun, is to examine your dreams and fantasies. I believe that they both point to our true desires – those things we really want in life.

Dreams

The other night, I had a dream, that like many dreams, was odd. However it was also telling. In this dream, I was moving around talking to people, but I was confident and secure. When I woke up, I realized that in the dream I was acting like I want to act, rather than how I usually act. I realized that it was my inner “kick ass chick” who was moving me around in the dream, rather than my inner “proper and polite” one.

I also realized that while daydreams and fantasies will point to what we really want in life, our “night” dreams hold important clues too. These clues are often harder to tease out, and you may not even be able to do so if you don’t remember your dreams upon awakening. However, if you do remember your dreams, I believe examining them can be a good tool to add to your toolbox of techniques for goal setting.

There are dozens of books (probably more) that talk about dream symbolism and interpreting your dreams. These are of value to many, but I’m not one of them. I find that looking for meaning behind “symbols” in my dream is tough and doesn’t really help.

On the other hand, looking at the events and attitudes (yours and others’) in the dream is a lot more useful. In general my dreams, no matter how weird, fall into 2 categories:

1. What I’ve been anxious about. This kind of dream leaves me feeling like I really didn’t sleep and wakes me up several times during the night.

I dream this way before a job interview, a meeting with an old friend, or going on a vacation. This is more of an anticipation mixed with nervousness dream. The more I’m looking forward to the event, the more likely I am to have this kind of dream.

Usually, this kind of dream doesn’t surprise me. After all, I know the event is coming up and I know whether I want to go or not. However, sometimes the events in the dream really point out to me something I wasn’t admitting.

For instance, I had a series of dreams before my last job interview in insurance. I knew I didn’t want to continue in insurance, but I really needed the job and I was willing to put aside my reservations to take a job since nothing else was looking promising. However, my dreams were full of twists and turns and a few of them bordered on nightmares. When I woke I talked to my husband about them and the job interview in general. After that conversation, I knew that even if they offered me the job, I wouldn’t take it. I went to the interview anyway, but before they had a chance to make their decision, I told the recruiter I couldn’t take the job.

2. A spring cleaning of my subconscious mind. This kind of dream is the weirdest of all. In this kind of dream, all kinds of little bits and pieces are put together in a disjointed whole that makes absolutely no sense when reviewed later. However, I can look at the dream and see how the various elements related to the thoughts I’d had over the past few days.

Unless I’ve been thinking about something a lot, like when I was reading the newest Harry Potter book, after the dream, I don’t think about those things anymore. That’s why I call these dreams spring cleaning. I find that they put to rest a lot of worries I’ve been having.

For instance, when I was helping to clean up the apartment I’m going to be moving into, I was overwhelmed by the amount of work that needed to be done. Whenever I talked about it to someone, I couldn’t stop thinking that it looked never-ending. Then, one night I had a dream about the apartment. As it turns out, I didn’t end up going back after that to work, but I also stopped thinking about it. I was at peace with how much work it was, and for the first time, I stopped worrying about whether it would be done in time.

These two types of dreams both settled anxiety, and they also showed me what I really wanted. In the first instance, it made it clear to me that I didn’t want to pursue a job in insurance, and in fact I wouldn’t even take a job if offered. In the second instance, it pointed out how I didn’t want to worry about something anymore. I brought to conscious awareness what I already knew deep down – that there really wasn’t a reason to worry, it would all work out.

Fantasies

Fantasies, on the other hand, are a lot easier to explain as showing us what we really want. Whether daydreams or sexual fantasies, they point to a better life that we don’t have in reality.

1. Fantasies allow us to control events. It wouldn’t be a very good fantasy if we didn’t make events go exactly the way we want them to. We get to be cool and confident. We have a great job, a great relationship, or any other situation that would make us happy (or happier.) We get to control all our thoughts and make them what we really want to think about.

If you follow the Law of Attraction, which says that like thoughts attract like thoughts and “thoughts become things”, fantasizing fits right in with this. Fantasies become visualizations as we focus on exactly what we want and set our intention to attract these things into our life.

Fantasies are literally “our dream life.”

2. Fantasies evoke pleasant feelings. I can’t imagine fantasizing or daydreaming about something that scared me. Perhaps to turn it around and make it go my way, but not usually. After all, they are called day “dreams” and not day “nightmares.” Therefore, we like fantasizing. We are happier in our fantasies and they make us feel good (especially if they are sexual.)

Any time we deliberately boost our mood, we are more likely to carry that mood with us for awhile. When we are in a good mood, feeling happy, or at least pleasant, we are much more likely to be connected to our innermost self, our authenticity.

Our authentic self knows what we really want. Our authentic self also has the motivation to get that for real. I’m sure I’m not the only one who doesn’t spend a lot of my day really motivated to pursue something. Most of the time (although this is getting to be a smaller % of the time), I am very aware of the inner critic listing all the reasons why I can’t or shouldn’t pursue my dreams.

Being able to get in touch with our authentic self, whether through the realizations of dreams we have while asleep, or through our deliberate fantasies, reveals what we really want in life. Because of this, they can be an important self improvement tool. Whether you work with the Law of Attraction deliberately or not, I think you can agree that being in a good mood and pursing our real passions is the best way to live our lives.

Tomorrow, I’ll examine daydreams in more detail, through several examples of daydreams we have probably all had. In addition to connecting us with our authentic selves and giving us a way to visualize desired outcomes, daydreams can show us even more desires lurking under the surface that we probably aren’t even aware of. This deepens the experience even more.

If you have any comments or thoughts on these ideas, I welcome your input below.

Photo Credits: Shapes by SantaRosa OLD SKOOL; Twisted Fabric by PPDIGITAL; Control Key by renatotarga