Table of contents for Downside of Self Improvement

1. Self Improvement Sucks
2. Just Because Your Working On Self Improvement Doesn’t Mean You’re Always Getting Better
3. We Aren’t In Control Of How Our Self Improvement Ultimately Unfolds
4. It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, But Don’t Coast Before It Gets Great

Self improvement is difficult. This is not disputed. As I’ve shown over the past three parts in this series, difficult only scratches the surface of self improvement’s downsides.

To be honest, I thought I had covered the subject from pretty much every angle. Well, as I’m willing to admit, I’m only one person and I don’t always see the whole picture. Evan pointed out in a comment on part 2 that setbacks can include feeling worse before feeling better.

Then, I realized that I’ve been writing the past few posts as if I’m finished with my efforts. Oops! If I was finished, this wouldn’t be a blog about my journey, would it? So, I knew that the series wasn’t done, I had a least two more points to discuss.

It Can Get Worse Before It Gets Better

Every self improvement effort I can think of requires you to face old habits and ways of thinking since if these habits and ways of thinking were serving you, you would be already living the way you want to. However, as I’ve discussed in previous installments, the subconscious resists change.

Facing limiting habits and beliefs stirs up a lot of feelings. I know firsthand the easy process of going numb. I’ve been doing it so long, autopilot has become so good that no adjustments need to be made along the way. It just happens without any work at all. However, I don’t want to coast along numb anymore, I want to feel good.

I’m sure you are familiar with the old story of Pandora’s Box – where Pandora opened up the chest where all feelings were stored, therefore letting them free to wreak havoc on humanity. Well, self improvement is like opening the mythical Pandora’s Box. Because, in order to feel the good feelings, we have to feel. Which means we have to feel the bad feelings too.

While the subconscious works diligently to return us to numb (asking for food, TV, reading, the web, whatever works to make us “zone out”), once we have felt a little bit, it makes it just a little bit harder to go numb. We still go numb pretty often, but the box has been opened.

When we’ve been working on a self improvement process for a little bit, and the amount of time is different for everyone, but may only be a matter of days, a snowball or chain reaction effect occurs. Feeling a few bad feelings brings a lot more bad feelings. We heal one hurt and 10 more line up behind, asking to be examined. This can be quite overwhelming.

When I started Solution Training, which provides a comprehensive structure for working through difficult feelings and getting to emotional balance, getting to emotional balance was very difficult and only lasted for a short time – sometimes only minutes, sometimes hours. The percentage of time spent feeling good was so low, I pretty much bumped back and forth between bad and numb. This is the time that many people either give up, or seriously consider it.

In my case, I had paid for a full group session, so I would have been wasting a lot of money if I gave up. So, I didn’t and I’m very thankful for that. Continuing to do the work meant I pushed through the worst of the bad and the numb. I won’t lie and say that I was diligent about completing the exercises that are part of Solution Training. I didn’t want to delve into the feelings and heal those hurts – my inner life shut the door pretty firmly most of time. But, I pushed through.

I really have compassion for those who have been through an effort at self improvement who don’t have quite the same structure as I was fortunate enough to be able to afford at the time. When looking at all the ways on how to help depression, I tried the traditional therapy route and it had benefits but not as much. I understand the frustration of only being able to attend traditional therapy because it’s what insurance will cover, but not finding the relief you are really looking for. I also have been on three different medications in the past five years. The first two helped to certain degrees, but only the third appears to be doing the trick. So, I understand the frustration that makes one give up on medication as well. Knowing that feeling bad is not where you want to be, but being unable to feel better for any length of time is very demoralizing and is the main reason why I knew I had to write this series.

Taking the time to dig in and get that emotional balance over and over, even if only for a few minutes, has made all the difference. Working with a wonderful doctor who listens and understands, who helped me find the right medication for me has made a tremendous difference as well. However, it has also gotten me to a place where I feel just good enough that my inner life can make me pretend I’m done. Well, that’s not true. If I was done, I would be enthusiastic about exercising regularly. I would be enthusiastic about cooking great food; I know this because I’ve had periods lasting several weeks of this kind of mindset before. I don’t have this mindset, so I know I’m not there yet. Which brings me to my next point.

Coasting When You’re Only Part Of The Way There

A self improvement project will eventually get you to a point where you are feeling better more often that you are feeling bad. Notice I said better and not great. As I discussed in part 1, we undertake a self improvement process because we have had moments of time that are so great that we know where we are now isn’t where we want to be.

I want to pause here a moment and touch on those folks who have been through a deep depression, maybe even suicidal. Again, I’ve been there. Fortunately, I haven’t reached the planning stage, but I understand the overwhelming pain that makes one think that death might be preferable. However, I still had those moments of pure joy that reminded me that there was a better state of mind. Part of me did sincerely think that I was never to have them again – that my mind had snapped and it wasn’t in the cards for me anymore. But, there was a teensy, tiny doubt that it was true. What if was possible that I could feel that way again? I sure as hell knew I didn’t want to feel the overwhelming pain anymore. That niggling doubt was enough to cause me to seek help.

Given that I know what the lowest of the low feels like, when I reached the place of good more often than bad it was very, very tempting to not go any farther. After all, good is so much better than really, really bad. But, good isn’t great. It’s not happiness most of the time. It’s not pure joy. I know pure joy isn’t possible all the time, as I explained in part 2, our mood fluctuates throughout the day. However, I firmly believe that it is possible to reach the place where most of the time, emotional balance is the norm.

The Solution Method refers to this place as having your Solution. This is where you have been in emotional balance so often that your subconscious makes this the new autopilot. This doesn’t mean that you never go out of emotional balance. It simply means that because balance is on autopilot, it is harder to go out of balance, and easier to get back if you do. It means that when you get sad, it’s just sad – it isn’t depression. You know that life sucks, but you don’t suck.

I believe I am about half way there. I will readily admit that the medication I am currently on has significantly affected this. When I first started taking it, it was such a huge improvement that I thought (for a few days at least) – Hey, maybe my problem is not that I have too many hurts, or too many false beliefs. Maybe it’s just a chemical imbalance. Maybe I have my “chemical Solution.” Um, no. I realized that the medication stopped me from going to that low, low place, but not from going out of balance at all. I still have those false beliefs, I still have those hurts. I still don’t have the solid belief that my dreams are worth it and that caring for my body is my duty. There is still doubt about these things.

So, I knew that I was coasting. Which is why yesterday I sat down and tackled some hurts again. Because I knew I had the strength to face the really, really deep hurts, I decided to go for them. Folks, just because I’ve been doing this for over a year doesn’t mean it’s easy, by any means. Nope, it was downright difficult. I found myself yelling at my inner child, pleading with her to open the door of the feelings and let me process them. Finally, she did so, but it seemed like it took forever. And, I only got to touch on them, not process them to any great extent.

This is what self improvement is really like. It’s gritty, it’s messy, it’s painful. However, I believe it’s worth it. I can honestly say, from the halfway point, that I never would have believed it was possible to get this far. I can also honestly say that I still have a long way to go, and I’m not looking forward to those gritty, messy, painful experiences any more than I was when I started. I still wish there was a way to get to the emotional balance autopilot stage without it. So, I’m right there with you – struggling along, doing my best, and assuring you that it’s not all “fluffy bunny” stuff, like many make it out to be.

Photo Credits: Clouds picture by porkfork6; Climber by JasonRogers; Leaf by mlkeewa

Table of contents for Downside of Self Improvement

1. Self Improvement Sucks
2. Just Because Your Working On Self Improvement Doesn’t Mean You’re Always Getting Better
3. We Aren’t In Control Of How Our Self Improvement Ultimately Unfolds
4. It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, But Don’t Coast Before It Gets Great

Self Improvement is everywhere. There are many ideas, tips, tricks and thousands of books all telling you how to get better. Better in finance, better in health, better in spirit, better in relationships. The bettering goes on. These books will tell you that self improvement is difficult, it’s challenging, it’s hard. Well, let me tell you the truth that no one wants to admit: self improvement sucks! It’s grueling; it’s painful (both physically and emotionally); it’s f-ing torturous.

Why Most Won’t Tell You The Truth

Why won’t other books or blogs tell you the truth? Partly because the way they word it has a nicer sound. Partly because they are afraid no one will read the books and blogs if they tell it like it is. And, partly because they have been through it and found it worthwhile. They are talking about it as in the past, but for those reading what they wrote, it’s right now. Which is a whole other ball game folks!

The words of others who have been through a self improvement process are upbeat and inspiring. They offer clear steps for achievement with lots of reassurance that we can do it. They gloss over the bad parts, downplaying them, or making them sound cliche.

So, we follow their ideas, thinking it’s no big deal. However, we quickly discover that self improvement isn’t as simple as saying a few mantras, standing in the sun for 15 minutes a day, and taking a walk a few times a week. We run into a lot of feelings, memories, negative messages, and the physical sensations that come with them (pounding heart, tightness in the chest, closed throat, upset stomach). Even just a little bit of self improvement can add up to a terrible mix that hurts.

Why We Do It Anyway

So, why do we even bother? Why are so many books sold? Why do people keep writing? Why do I keep writing? Because, even if only for an instant, we have all glimpsed something better. Maybe we had one perfect hour with a loved one. Maybe we enjoyed 5 minutes of the perfect morning with the perfect weather. We’ve all had an experience that showed us that there is something better. And we want to learn how to get that better all the time.

I believe, as do many in the psychological field, that the way we act is based upon the messages and memories playing in our brain. If we have messages that we are worthwhile, our feelings matter, and we are lovable, we are pretty happy with ourselves and with our lives. If, on the other hand, we have messages that say we are broken, our feelings don’t count, and people don’t like us, we will not be happy with ourselves or our lives.

Whatever messages we have, and whatever memories we have associated with those messages, dictate how we will respond today. I’m one who, somewhere along the line, picked up the idea that she is a screw up – that I’ll never get anything right, so I shouldn’t even try. As much as my logical mind knows this is false, there is a part of me that fully believes this old, negative tape that plays behind the scenes.

Glimpses of my personal better don’t have this message in them. In my better, I’m confident and secure, knowing that I am competent and capable. This wonderful feeling is captivating and intoxicating. I want that feeling to be permanent. So, I look to self improvement because self improvement is about changing those old, negative tapes to play something new and positive.

But, What About That Self Improvement Pain?

In order to change those negative tapes, we have to figure out what the tapes are saying. We have to confront those messages, bring them to a conscious level and listen to them. This can’t be done with an impartial process. Whenever we pull those messages to us, we also pull all the entangled feelings as well. And, we’ve spent years learning how, however imperfectly, we can suppress those bad feelings so we don’t have to feel them.

Here’s the thing: where we are now is totally comfortable. Even if it hurts us, it’s what we’re used to. It’s what many of us have spent years dealing with, it’s in our bones, it in our skin – sometimes literally. We know what it’s like to be where we are now. And, although we’ve glimpsed something better, for the most part we only know two states: where we are now, and pain when we work to improve.

This is a real problem. We know we want to be better, but we also know that it’s hurts to work on ourselves. This push and pull of the hurt of now verses the hurt of change; the allure of the better verses the comfortable of the familiar; these conflicts often keep us going back and forth at best and immobile at worst.

We Look For Another Alternative

For many, the self improvement process is a little bit forward, then pull back, then a little bit forward again. It is a series of small improvements and then returns to old ways. We try one method, decide, for whatever reason, that it’s not for us, then try another method. We read book after book, website after website, watch movie after movie, but if we act on what we read or see, it’s only a little bit.

Here’s the real reason we, myself included, keep looking through self improvement books, magazine, movies, and websites: we want to find out how to reach being better all the time, without having to go through the pain. We keep looking for that magic technique that is going to make all the bad stuff melt away and the good stuff easily be there. We know, because we’ve done it at one point, that going through the pain works. But we don’t want to do that, we want to avoid pain. So, we keep looking for that easy way to get better without the hard work of dealing with any pain. Even the pain of the truth that such a way doesn’t exist.

There Is No Magic Bullet

We know, deep down, that we are the only ones who can change ourselves. Sometimes we admit this, and sometimes we hope for someone else to fix it for us. If we can, we find a buddy for the hard work – whether a friend, spouse, or professional. And, make no mistake, it is hard work and we do struggle. This is the truth we face, the truth that the self improvement books, movies, and websites gloss over.

I’m not going to stop reading about self improvement. I enjoy hearing reading others’ points of view on a subject and I do enjoy the “ah ha” moments I sometimes have when I read. I find many self improvement authors inspiring and motivational. However, I also understand the truth behind their words: any personal transformation requires going through pain. Sometimes that pain may only be a sting and at other times that pain will feel like a bit of personal hell. But, I’ll keep going, and I’ll keep writing about it with honesty and straightforwardness. I hope you’ll stick with me and keep reading.

Photo Credits: Hourglass by aidantmorgan; Clouds and Rainbow by fazen; Make Things Better Sign by “CAVE CANEM”; The Secret Book by desi.italy; Fire by peasap

Photo by desi.italy

Yesterday, I got an e-mail from a recruiter in insurance. He has arranged an interview for me tomorrow afternoon. I agreed to the interview, because I couldn’t think of any way to say no. Now, I’m truly torn as to what to do.

My financial life is in shambles right now. So, I have to find a permanent position. Insurance is the field where I have the experience, and therefore, should bring me the highest salary. Except, in order to widen the field, I told the recruiters I would accept up to a $10,000 lower salary than I was making last summer. I told them this at least a month ago, and figured that was the end of it since I hadn’t heard. That was, until yesterday.

Lower Salary And The Wrong Industry

This position I’m interviewing for pays the lower salary. Which brings up all kinds of problems. First, will they even consider hiring me knowing that I’m overqualified? Second, how do I answer the question about what salary I’m asking for? Third and perhaps most important: how do I do well in the interview when I don’t want to work in this field anymore?

Which brings me back to “you do what you have to.” There is a large part of me that would love to work for the cable company. There are so many positives to this position, but there are two big negatives as well: it wouldn’t pay as much as the insurance position, and the hours may be awful. Then, the other problem is that I’ve got an interview for the insurance position, but not for the service rep position with the cable company, although that is probably just a matter of time.

The money worries me greatly, which definitely impacts my mental health. However, the idea of working in insurance worries me as well, which also impacts my mental health. I have one other big worry as well: what if I decide to go for the job in insurance and they hire me? How long can I hide that I’m not happy before I either have a breakdown, or they fire me because I’m not working out?

What If This Is The Only Option?

While it sounds like I’ve talked myself out of the insurance position, right now it’s my only shot. The cable company hasn’t called, and there is no guarantee that they will. I’m coming to the end of unemployment benefits, and I can’t help but think that this job would be better than a retail position.

So, which is more important: soothing my anxiety and depression over not having a job (by taking this position) or soothing my anxiety and depression over having a job in insurance (by not taking the position and holding out for something else)? And, what happens if they don’t offer me the position? Will I be happy or upset? And if I’m happy, what will I do with the guilt that will show up next? How can I put pressure on my husband like this?

Bottom line is: I don’t want the job. It’s the wrong industry, the wrong price for that industry, and more than likely will be boring, frustrating, menial work. I’ve been there and done that in this industry. The cable company, at $5,000 less ($15,000 less than last summer – what I’m really worth in insurance), would actually make me happier.

But is my happiness all that matters? My happiness now is definitely marred by not having a job and having a mound of debt. That’s not going to go away until I have a job. I am so stuck that I don’t know what to do. But, I have to figure it out because if I was to go to this interview now, they could see right through me and wouldn’t even consider hiring me. Then I would know that I did a disservice to myself because I didn’t do my best.

Practice My Poker Face?

Maybe the best answer is to put on my most endearing customer service face, the one that hides everything, and go to the interview with my head held high. Perhaps I can consider it practice for poker. I can work on my bluffing skills. Can I convince them that I’m interested in staying in the industry? Then, I’ll leave them to sort out whether I’m overqualified and underpaid. If I do my best, can I really fault them for deciding that I’m just not the right person for the job?

Sigh. What if I do my bluffing so well they do decide I’m the right person for the job? I can’t keep up that persona forever. It will tear me apart. It did tear me apart before and I don’t want to live that way anymore.

What to do, what to do?

Photo by losiek

I realize on some level it’s an existential fear that there isn’t a point to my life; that I’m highly irrelevant personally and therefore my life serves no purpose. This is also a fear that there is no god and I’m utterly alone no matter what I do. This is a big fear, but thankfully, not the one that rules my life most often. No, the fear that drives me most of the time is a more “mundane” fear: that everyone is judging me and finding me lacking.

As far back as I can remember, I was teased, for one reason or another. Unfortunately, this teasing lasted for a number of years. This shaped my view of myself, as well as my expectations for how others will treat me. I automatically believe someone is going to not like me, rather than thinking it’s more likely that they will. This causes me to be shy until I get to know someone better, and makes me a wallflower in large groups. This negative expectation has also probably accounted for several negative initial judgments of others. It was as if I decided up front that I didn’t like them, so then I wouldn’t approach them and they wouldn’t have a chance to reject me.

Fear Holds Me Back

This fear has held me back from getting ahead in my career, from having more close friends, and from being truthful with others. It’s part of the reason that I hide who I really am from others. It also accounts for why I get hurt so easily by people I think are my friends; once someone initially accepts me, I let down my guard. When it comes right down to it, I never learned good boundaries. Mine are usually too thick or too thin, but rarely just right to protect myself, while still allowing emotional intimacy with others and true friendship.

Once, almost a year ago now, I was doing some early morning self reflection on my way to work. I was stuck in traffic and began thinking about how I relate to other people and about my weight. I realized that my weight was a shield that I used to keep myself at a distance from others. I remember saying, “I feel sad that my protection has become my prison.” This specific wording came from somewhere deep inside of me, somewhere beyond conscious thought. However, I knew it was 100% accurate. I’ve remained overweight as a way to protect myself. Unfortunately, there is still part of me that fears others’ judgment so much, it won’t let me shed this prison and live healthy.

Why do I share this with you now? Because I’ve realized that my fear of being judged is holding me back from writing to this blog. I have so much going on in my life right now that it has been very difficult to write. I’m afraid of sharing too much, of being too personal. There are some lines people cross when they blog that I would never cross in such a public forum. For instance, I would never share details of my sex life, or graphic descriptions of medical problems. I’ve shared my innermost thoughts and feelings about different topics, but then I worry that I shared too much. Objectively, I’m sure I didn’t, but subjectively (where the inner critic lives), I’ve laid myself bare.

Well, you know what? I haven’t shared enough. I’ve shared my struggles to write, and I’ve hinted at various things, but I’ve never laid it all out as an explanation for why I’ve been so flaky over the past few months. I’ve been so worried that I’ll be judged, or the wrong person will read this blog, that I’ve held back.

What’s Going On In My Life

So, now that I’ve shared my fear of judgment and rejection, I can explain what is going on in my life. On September 10, 2007, I went to my job as an Account Manager for a small insurance agency. I was five minutes late getting into the office because I had been caught in traffic. When I got there, the owner of the company and the office manager called me into the conference room. Since I was late, I thought I was in trouble, but that wasn’t even an issue. Instead, they informed me that I wasn’t working out and my employment was terminated immediately. I had been working there for 82 days.

They had already packed up my personal belongings and handed me the box. I asked for an explanation and wasn’t given one. In the time since I can only speculate that my former employer was on a power trip and she didn’t like the fact that I wanted to excel in the industry. And, since I had gotten the position through a recruiter, I highly suspect that she was underhanded in her timing (just before the end of 90 days) to avoid paying him all or some of his placement fee. She was looking for a family member while I was looking for an employer, and she didn’t like that I acted accordingly. She wanted to be consulted on every little decision, and I said something jokingly that pointed out that she didn’t have complete control over us. This happened the Friday before and I suspect it was too much for her to deal with – I upset the apple cart too much.

I don’t fear her reading this. My parents believe she is badmouthing me around the industry. I can’t say I know her well enough to know if she is or not. She may very well be doing so; however, since I’ve had 7 sets of interviews in the industry since that day and no job offers.

This had several immediate consequences for my life. First, we lost a little over half our income in one fell swoop. This has led to massive money worries. Unemployment compensation in the State of Maryland helps, but it in no way replaces your previous income. We had decided to pay off our debt and so didn’t have an emergency fund. Unfortunately, our credit card became our emergency fund.

Second Major Life Event

The second major consequence was that my depression returned, much stronger than in the past. It is because of this that I haven’t grown this blog beyond 20 visitors a day. There are others who started in September 2007, and they have thousands of RSS subscribers. I have less than 10. On the one hand, I feel guilty for wasting so much time – after all I’ve had vast stretches of uninterrupted hours I could have been blogging. On the other hand, depression is debilitating. Some days I’m normal, and others I don’t want to do anything but sit and watch TV or bury my head in a book.

I’m under the care of a fantastic psychiatrist who is helping me. I would receive additional benefits if I could continue with my Solution Training, but since it’s not conventional therapy, it’s not covered by my health insurance. Slowly I’m getting better, but it’s difficult.

I’ve worked temp positions, and I’ve been helping to fix up the apartment my husband and I will be moving into. The days where I’ve scraped, sanded, and painted at the apartment were good ones. I think the moving around for 6 hours was good exercise. Also, it’s work that gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride

Unfortunately, the longer I’m without a permanent position, the harder it is becoming to find one. My brother is sure that the cable company will hire me, but there is usually several weeks between submitting an application and getting called for an interview. So, I’m left continuing to wait. Working for the cable company would not be as much income as the insurance industry, but it would be much better for a lot of reasons. The biggest one being that it’s not insurance.

Insurance Isn’t For Me

On September 10th, as I drove home from my previous place of employment, I had a crystal clear thought: insurance is not where I’m supposed to be. However, like the realization that my weight is a prison, this thought didn’t come with an easy solution. So, are potential employers reading this? Who knows. But, I’m no longer going to try and pretty up my thoughts about the industry in case they are. There was a time in my life, only a few years ago, when I thought that insurance was interesting. I decided to make insurance my career and I gave up on biology. This was a bad move on my part, but I pushed down my dream until that ride home when insurance didn’t matter anymore.

I still applied for positions in insurance, and if one was offered to me tomorrow at the right price, I would take it. I still have a significant amount of debt and a high income wouldn’t hurt. However, even if this were to happen, I would go into it knowing it was temporary. I’ll never be happy in the insurance industry and I’m not going to pretend anymore that I would. It’s an old boys club with a strong push toward the bottom line. I worked with dozens of salesman, and while most of them were honest, they were all salesman. And the dishonest ones made my skin crawl. As a woman, a liberal, and a support person, I didn’t amount to much. If I was a man, a conservative, and a salesman pushing to fill my life and the company’s life with more and more money, I would do fine. As I’m sure you can imagine, this doesn’t sit well with me at all.

I am thankful that I’m no longer an insurance professional, and I hope I don’t have to be one momentarily in order to have a job. I’m also thankful that I chose to tell my story here. I thought it would be difficult, but no more difficult than what I’ve already been through. I can’t promise anything for the future of this blog, except that I’ll keep it going. I still believe that I must work toward my dream. However, my health, both mental and physical, comes first. Being healthy and active is part of my dream as well, so I will most likely be talking about it in the future.

Well, I’ve gone on for quite awhile now, so I’ll sign off. I appreciate everyone who is reading this and especially those few who continue to come back. It means more than I could ever express to know that there is someone who wants me to keep writing, despite any troubles I may be having. And, as always, I look forward to hearing from you in the comments below.

Storm Photo by El Garza; Sunset Photo by Burning Image