Teaching | Larger Steps To Connection – Getting To Know Someone

If you lost everything, what would remain?

Photo by Alan Light

There would be a core humanness. And when we connect with others on a deeper level, it is that core that we are connecting with. When you strip away everything else, we are all human and we all have that in common.

First I want to say that I am not an expert on relationships, nor do I have any official credentials. However, I do have over 30 years of life experience interacting with other people on a daily basis as well as a helpful, caring personality. Therefore, I believe I’ve learned a thing or two about the subject.

The process I want to talk about in this post may seem very formulaic and fake. And I don’t mean to suggest that you approach getting to know a new person by going through a checklist. Rather, I want to share what goes through my mind when I think about the process and illustrate with someone I met recently. Note: because I am using my real name and this is a real story, names and identifying details have been changed to protect the other parties involved.

A Classic Situation

Last week, I attended a two day business seminar. It was also set up as an opportunity to network with others. There was a woman attending the seminar, let’s call her Patricia, whom I spoke with several times throughout the two days. On the afternoon of the second day, during one conversation, Patricia told me what I should do next for my business – the very same thing we were attending the seminar for!

Immediately, I was angry. Sure, maybe it was remembering being bossed around by bullies back in school, or maybe it was just that her tone was derogatory. Whatever the reason, I did not appreciate Patricia’s advice.

In order to dissipate my anger in the moment, I told myself: “She doesn’t know anything about me or my situation. And besides, we are both here to learn the same thing, so how can she give me advice on the topic?” I took a deep breath and felt better.

Later, I was thinking about this interaction and discussing it with my husband. With some distance and perspective on the issue, I was able to see there are several important points behind the conclusion I drew.

Everyone Has A Story

Patricia didn’t know much about me and my situation. Seminars are not the place to get to know someone deeply and especially since this was a teaching seminar, our opportunities to speak with the other attendees were limited to before and during breaks. Therefore, she only had a few facts about my situation, and was filling in the blanks from her experience. Immediately, I thought about how rude she was being by presuming to understand me. However, I can’t change what she thought, only what I think.

The truth is, I didn’t know her complete story either. I have no way of knowing if in that moment she was feeling well or if she was angry with someone else. We had just come back from lunch – perhaps she hadn’t liked her food. Given that I’d been able to speak with her thus far, her tone was more than likely a reflection of her personal story, which I didn’t know, while the words themselves were intended to be helpful.

Had I taken a moment to listen to her story, I would have had a better chance of understanding her and would have not reacted as strongly as I did. Or at least I would have had a better chance of not reacting as strongly as I did.

We All Have The Same Core Feelings

Even though Patricia’s experience and background are different than mine, I do know we had shared circumstances that brought us to the seminar. I also knew (from a previous conversation) that neither one of us liked the teacher; we thought she was obnoxious and condescending. Of course, I didn’t remember any of this in the moment, but upon reflection, this put a different spin on things.

I knew I was angry that the seminar was turning out to be a waste of time. When we spoke just before lunch on day one, Patricia expressed similar feelings. I don’t know if she got more value out of the experience by the end than I did, but I do know that we both started off in the same place. This could also have been coloring her tone; for all I know, it colored my tone a time or two as well.

In the end, I realized we both had similar feelings about the seminar, although I missed the opportunity for a deeper connection because of my instinctive reaction.

No One Thinks We’re Worthless Except Us

As I mentioned above, Patricia’s tone brought up some very old anger from my childhood. I know I’m not alone in having been teased (sometimes cruelly) by my classmates. I also know I’m not alone in having “baggage” from this teasing. However, it was only recently that I was able to realize one of the core messages they ground into me: I’m worthless.

Well, that was years ago. No one I know now thinks I’m worthless (well, no one of consequence, as I explain below.) The only one left who has this belief and thinks about it so often it’s automatic, is me. Therefore, my immediate reaction that I deserve to be talked to with anger comes not from Patricia’s tone, but rather my own childhood baggage.

Now, I don’t know if this is a feeling you have; and you may say: “But that’s common sense!” True, it is common sense. And on one level I knew this. However, I didn’t feel it, deep down. I didn’t believe it. Having that phrase pop into my mind was like a light bulb going off. No one thinks I’m worthless but me. Saying it out loud lifted a proverbial load off my shoulders I didn’t even know I was carrying.

So why do I mention this? Because it is part of my story. It is also a stumbling block I have to connection with others. I hope by sharing my story and revelation you don’t feel so alone with any baggage or issue you may have. (And we all have some.)

The M. Effect

Finally, the last part of my conclusion about Patricia was: “And besides, we are both here to learn the same thing, so how can she give me advice on the topic?”

This brings me to my last point; what I call “The M. Effect.” (I’ve chosen to go with the initials of the people that follow for privacy reasons.) M. was someone I went to college with. I’ll try to keep the story brief.

My freshman year of college, I lived on the third floor of our dorm, M. and C. lived on the second floor. C. was friends with my friend B. – therefore, M. was (at best) a friend of a friend. One day, I was speaking with B. when he mentioned C., and by extension, M. B. said, “You know, M. really hates you.”

I know those were his exact words because I was so shocked, they were imprinted on my brain. I knew which dorm room M. lived in, and I knew what he looked liked. That’s it – the full extent of what I knew about him, and the full extent of my interaction with him. I had (and still don’t) no idea why he hated me. Hate is such a strong word, too. All I could do was laugh. The fact that someone who I didn’t know at all didn’t like me was so preposterous I wasn’t even offended.

Along with my realization that no one thinks I’m worthless, I realized that if they did, then they must be an M. In other words, someone who doesn’t know me and who, frankly, doesn’t matter to me. After all, my friends and family like me and think I’m a great person. Does a random stranger thinking differently really change that? No.

Will I ever see Patricia again? Maybe, but probably not. And even if I do, will she remember what she said? Highly doubtful. Therefore, I consider her a M.

The Bottom Line

It is our responsibility to reach out and connect with others that we feel we would like to know better. However, as I’ve realized, and explained, there are all kinds of reasons why that connection is missed entirely, or not made very solidly. By being aware of possible stumbling blocks, we will be better able to put them aside next time we’re in the situation.

So, the next time you find yourself meeting someone new, remember they have a story, you have the same core feelings, and you may be reacting unconsciously to past emotional baggage. Lastly, if you still can’t make the connection, then remember what I call The M. Effect – does it really matter what they think anyway?

Please let me know what you think in the comments below. I’m interested to hear how others have dealt with similar situations.

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