Is Weight Loss “Support” All It’s Cracked Up To Be?
March 2, 2008 | In Physical Health |
Conventional wisdom says to tell others you are trying to lose weight to get support. But, there’s a dirty little secret that they don’t tell you - sometimes this backfires.
Photo by sridgway
I know I’m not the only one who has the problem. JoLynn Braley recently wrote about this on her blog The Fit Shack (number 5 on her list). She too found that when she told people about her weight loss efforts it had a negative effect, rather than a positive one.
Oddly, she’s the only one I’ve ever seen talk about this. Not that I’ve read every word ever written on the subject, by any means. However, it’s definitely not a widely discussed phenomena. While JoLynn has moved past this and found that telling is working for her now, I’m not at that place. Therefore, I would like to offer my experience, gleaned from multiple attempts and many years, as a vote for the “keeping quiet” camp.
Sympathy Talk
At any given time, dozens of people around you are probably on a diet. Mostly women, but a few men as well. What I call “sympathy talk” is other’s way of saying they are in the same boat as you, but really ends up as a forum for them to talk about their troubles.
This takes different forms. I’ve heard women talk about their appearance, what exercises they are doing, and what they are eating. Diets have been compared and contrasted and complaining has ensued about food restrictions, exercise difficulty, time constraints, and lack of support. Usually these talks degenerate into a general talk about food.
Every time I turn around when I’m are on a diet, someone is talking about food. If they know I’m on a diet, they are talking to me about food. Some days I swear I talked about food for several hours over the course of the day. I want to forget about counting Weight Watchers Points or calories or fiber or carbs or whatever. I don’t want to remember that I got on the scale that morning and it wasn’t as good as I thought it would be. However, I have to talk, talk, talk, talk about it. Constantly. I can’t get away from the talking about food and about weight and about which way is better than which way to eat, loose weight, count whatever, and exercise. Everyone has something to say and none of it I actually want to hear because none of it is really helpful. I end up thinking about food all the time. And when I think about food all the time, staying on my diet is pretty much impossible.
Weight Loss Judgment
When you are working on weight loss, people everywhere want to offer advice. Unfortunately, pretty much all of this advice is a form of judgment.
When I was following the Weight Watchers Plan, I lost track of the number of times someone would ask me how many points my meal was. Was this strictly curiosity? Perhaps. But, when you think about it, isn’t that curiosity because the person asking wants to know how that particular food fits in with your food plan? This question was particularly evident when what I was eating didn’t look like “diet food.” To me, that’s judging my consumption.
Another question I heard more times than I could count was some variation on “Can you eat that?” As if I was somehow set apart from everyone else because I was “on a diet.” Can I eat it? Sure, I can eat anything I want to right? Ultimately, aren’t I the one who determines what I eat?
Sometimes this question was a genuine attempt to make sure that food was provided that fit with my diet plan. However, this also has an element of judgment to it. Again, it’s my choice what to eat. If less than healthy food is being served, I can choose to simply eat less of it. The query of whether I can eat something subtly questions not only my choice of diet, but also my ability to stick to that diet.
Then there’s the outright advice about how I “should” be dieting or exercising. I “should” be doing cardio every day. No, wait, I “should” be weight lifting every other day instead of cardio. Oh, and jogging is better than walking. But walking is better than nothing. And, here’s my favorite, “Just make time. Stop watching so much TV.” Like this person has any idea how I live outside of work (yes, it was a coworker who laid this one on me.) This person jogged several times a week and it obviously worked for him because he was in good shape. However, jogging won’t work for me. Without knowing anything about my particular health state or my physical limitations, he was offering advice that didn’t fit.
In the end, between the complaining, I mean stories, from others and the judgments about my eating and exercise, the attention is enough to make me scream.
A Final Thought
Given this response in the past, is it any wonder that I want to keep the knowledge to myself? However, if I was to tell others about my efforts again, instead of just doing it, I would keep my discussions to close friends only. Or, maybe only one person in particular - my husband, John.
I don’t live alone, nor do I purchase food alone. I know John wants to help, and meals at our house are generally planned out together. It would be interesting to see how things go if he and I worked together for a new way of eating for both of us, one that we supported each other on, but didn’t reveal to others.
So, now that I’ve opened up and talked about this subject, I’m interested in other’s views. Have you had a similar experience? Did you find that telling others about your weight loss goals helped or hindered you? Please let me know in the comments below.
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[...] Ripples of Improvement.com wrote an interesting post today on Is Weight Loss "Support" All It’s Cracked Up To Be?Here’s a quick excerptI want to forget about counting Weight Watchers Points or calories or fiber or carbs or whatever….When I was following the Weight Watchers Plan, I lost track of the number of times someone would ask me how many points my meal was. Was this strictly curiosity? Perhaps…. [...]
Hi Cathy,
You know what, you’re right that once people (many, not all) know that you are changing your lifestyle, eating healthier and exercising, that suddenly there is a wealth of advice coming your way. In my experience that has been from co-workers, however I think that was really a reflection of their own thoughts about changes they felt they could make in their own lives.
It’s always easier to try to change others but there isn’t anyone we can change except ourselves. I do think it’s sometimes better to just keep your goals to yourself, but I like your idea of getting your husband on the same healthy track with you….then you’d be working together and supporting each other. No one else really matters though when it comes to the choices you make for your health, in fact when it comes down to it, it’s your decisions that matter.
Thanks for the link to my post, I really enjoyed reading your’s - you made some very insightful points here.
JoLynn,
Thanks for stopping by!
I agree that it’s always easier to try to change others, but we can only change ourselves. Unfortunately, changing ourselves is pretty darn hard!
Given that I know what it’s like to be the “center” of attention when on a diet, I do my best not to be the chatty one when someone else tells me they are on a diet. Sometimes, I even add in the dissenting voice to the conversations about food, pointing out that everyone has different opinions. That pretty much goes over like a lead balloon!
Ah, well. I’m very thankful that my husband is so supportive. I’m also thankful that he’s willing to exercise with me - it does help a lot. In fact just this morning, he convinced me to take a long walk around our neighborhood. We definitely need to do that more often - I was reminded that I’m out of shape.
Hi Cathy,
Well these people aren’t being what I call supportive. Getting support isn’t the same as being the new target for advice (and usually criticism).
When I need support for something new I will only tell those I can trust to be on my side - not just indulge their desire to judge.
The idea that we have to tell others our goals just doesn’t seem right to me.
Thanks for raising this. I think you are right that this isn’t much talked about - and I do think it is important.
Thanks for a great post.
It’s unfortunate that many times those who think they are being supportive are really doing just the opposite. While it may seem from the outside that they are helping us, it feels like criticism.
I agree that we should only request support from those we can trust, which means we must know those we choose to trust very well. Sometimes this is easy, sometimes it’s not.
I also agree that the idea we have to tell others our goals doesn’t seem right. Presumably, the idea is that publicly declaring an intention makes it more difficult to give up because we know others are watching. But that’s a terrible reason to embark on personal transformation - doing it for others.
A very muddled topic and one that doesn’t get enough focus. But then blanket statements are rarely good ideas.
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