Self Improvement Sucks
April 1, 2008 | In Changing Mindset - Considerations |
Table of contents for Downside of Self Improvement
Self Improvement is everywhere. There are many ideas, tips, tricks and thousands of books all telling you how to get better. Better in finance, better in health, better in spirit, better in relationships. The bettering goes on. These books will tell you that self improvement is difficult, it’s challenging, it’s hard. Well, let me tell you the truth that no one wants to admit: self improvement sucks! It’s grueling; it’s painful (both physically and emotionally); it’s f-ing torturous.
Why Most Won’t Tell You The Truth
Why won’t other books or blogs tell you the truth? Partly because the way they word it has a nicer sound. Partly because they are afraid no one will read the books and blogs if they tell it like it is. And, partly because they have been through it and found it worthwhile. They are talking about it as in the past, but for those reading what they wrote, it’s right now. Which is a whole other ball game folks!
The words of others who have been through a self improvement process are upbeat and inspiring. They offer clear steps for achievement with lots of reassurance that we can do it. They gloss over the bad parts, downplaying them, or making them sound cliche.
So, we follow their ideas, thinking it’s no big deal. However, we quickly discover that self improvement isn’t as simple as saying a few mantras, standing in the sun for 15 minutes a day, and taking a walk a few times a week. We run into a lot of feelings, memories, negative messages, and the physical sensations that come with them (pounding heart, tightness in the chest, closed throat, upset stomach). Even just a little bit of self improvement can add up to a terrible mix that hurts.
Why We Do It Anyway
So, why do we even bother? Why are so many books sold? Why do people keep writing? Why do I keep writing? Because, even if only for an instant, we have all glimpsed something better. Maybe we had one perfect hour with a loved one. Maybe we enjoyed 5 minutes of the perfect morning with the perfect weather. We’ve all had an experience that showed us that there is something better. And we want to learn how to get that better all the time.
I believe, as do many in the psychological field, that the way we act is based upon the messages and memories playing in our brain. If we have messages that we are worthwhile, our feelings matter, and we are lovable, we are pretty happy with ourselves and with our lives. If, on the other hand, we have messages that say we are broken, our feelings don’t count, and people don’t like us, we will not be happy with ourselves or our lives.
Whatever messages we have, and whatever memories we have associated with those messages, dictate how we will respond today. I’m one who, somewhere along the line, picked up the idea that she is a screw up - that I’ll never get anything right, so I shouldn’t even try. As much as my logical mind knows this is false, there is a part of me that fully believes this old, negative tape that plays behind the scenes.
Glimpses of my personal better don’t have this message in them. In my better, I’m confident and secure, knowing that I am competent and capable. This wonderful feeling is captivating and intoxicating. I want that feeling to be permanent. So, I look to self improvement because self improvement is about changing those old, negative tapes to play something new and positive.
But, What About That Self Improvement Pain?
In order to change those negative tapes, we have to figure out what the tapes are saying. We have to confront those messages, bring them to a conscious level and listen to them. This can’t be done with an impartial process. Whenever we pull those messages to us, we also pull all the entangled feelings as well. And, we’ve spent years learning how, however imperfectly, we can suppress those bad feelings so we don’t have to feel them.
Here’s the thing: where we are now is totally comfortable. Even if it hurts us, it’s what we’re used to. It’s what many of us have spent years dealing with, it’s in our bones, it in our skin - sometimes literally. We know what it’s like to be where we are now. And, although we’ve glimpsed something better, for the most part we only know two states: where we are now, and pain when we work to improve.
This is a real problem. We know we want to be better, but we also know that it’s hurts to work on ourselves. This push and pull of the hurt of now verses the hurt of change; the allure of the better verses the comfortable of the familiar; these conflicts often keep us going back and forth at best and immobile at worst.
We Look For Another Alternative
For many, the self improvement process is a little bit forward, then pull back, then a little bit forward again. It is a series of small improvements and then returns to old ways. We try one method, decide, for whatever reason, that it’s not for us, then try another method. We read book after book, website after website, watch movie after movie, but if we act on what we read or see, it’s only a little bit.
Here’s the real reason we, myself included, keep looking through self improvement books, magazine, movies, and websites: we want to find out how to reach being better all the time, without having to go through the pain. We keep looking for that magic technique that is going to make all the bad stuff melt away and the good stuff easily be there. We know, because we’ve done it at one point, that going through the pain works. But we don’t want to do that, we want to avoid pain. So, we keep looking for that easy way to get better without the hard work of dealing with any pain. Even the pain of the truth that such a way doesn’t exist.
There Is No Magic Bullet
We know, deep down, that we are the only ones who can change ourselves. Sometimes we admit this, and sometimes we hope for someone else to fix it for us. If we can, we find a buddy for the hard work - whether a friend, spouse, or professional. And, make no mistake, it is hard work and we do struggle. This is the truth we face, the truth that the self improvement books, movies, and websites gloss over.
I’m not going to stop reading about self improvement. I enjoy hearing reading others’ points of view on a subject and I do enjoy the “ah ha” moments I sometimes have when I read. I find many self improvement authors inspiring and motivational. However, I also understand the truth behind their words: any personal transformation requires going through pain. Sometimes that pain may only be a sting and at other times that pain will feel like a bit of personal hell. But, I’ll keep going, and I’ll keep writing about it with honesty and straightforwardness. I hope you’ll stick with me and keep reading.
Photo Credits: Hourglass by aidantmorgan; Clouds and Rainbow by fazen; Make Things Better Sign by “CAVE CANEM”; The Secret Book by desi.italy; Fire by peasap
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Hi Cathy,
This post is much needed. I think people write the self-development stuff often when they are on the high from the breakthrough. This is understandable but a bit misleading - the pain that was gone through and the integrating the new into their life both get lost.
I think it’s good to keep looking for easier ways. Why endure more pain than we have to? Small and consistent with lots of support and reward seems best for most things. There probably will be other times, but it is good to have a strong base so that we know we can get through these other times. This is my approach at least. We don’t have to do anything painful just because someone says we should. We need to know that it is our choice (and why we are doing it) I think.
Btw there is a John Crovis with a blog who also lives in Maryland. Any relation?
Thinking of you as you continue on your journey. Wishing you love and blessings.
Evan,
Thank you. I’m glad that I got the message across that I wanted to. I, too write the “good” posts, but I wanted to make sure I included information about the other side of self improvement as well.
I do agree that it’s good to keep looking for easier ways. However, in my experience, even the ways that appear easier often have their own pain as well. In the end, I’m not sure there is a way that doesn’t include *some* pain. I also agree that it does help when we *choose* to undertake a self improvement effort, rather that being forced into it.
As for John? Nah, no relation - just my soul mate, love of my life, silly husband.
He actually decided to “come out” with his real name a couple of weeks ago on his blog, so I can tell everyone that. Crovis is a highly unique name - I don’t think there is anyone else who has it; at least I would be very surprised if there was.
Now you mention it Crovis is a name I’ve never heard before. It doesn’t look that unusual but now I try to think of if I’ve heard it before I can’t think of any time that I have.
What’s it like having two bloggers in the family?
Hope things are good with you both (separately and together).
Ah, “Crovis”….Well, the reason you haven’t heard it before is because my husband made it up. He wanted to change his name so he created one of his own. As far as I know, it’s completely unique and we are the only two with the name. If there is someone else who has that name, I would be very interested in how they got it (did they create it as well?)
As for having two bloggers in the family, it’s great. We compare notes on traffic, RSS subscribers, plugins (we’re both on WordPress), occasionally give each other ideas, and commiserate on writer’s block.
His blog is doing better in terms of traffic because he’s promoting it more. But, that’s Ok, I’m still having fun.
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Hey you, they’re people out there cheering for you even though you don’t know it! It’s one of those lessons we never learn as a kid even though a hundreds of different people feed us, educate us, heck pull us out of the street all before we can stop popping on ourselves. :^)
My point is life is a spiral up or in decline and because sometimes that spiral is huge its hard to see if were moving up or down… just keep going because trust me it matters. If you don’t you’ll be hurting all of us that have been cheering you on since you were a baby. (Go Cathy!)
Chin up Lady, it’s all do-able
C.C.