It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, But Don’t Coast Before It Gets Great
April 7, 2008 | In Changing Mindset - Considerations |
Table of contents for Downside of Self Improvement
- Self Improvement Sucks
- Just Because Your Working On Self Improvement Doesn’t Mean You’re Always Getting Better
- We Aren’t In Control Of How Our Self Improvement Ultimately Unfolds
- It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, But Don’t Coast Before It Gets Great
Self improvement is difficult. This is not disputed. As I’ve shown over the past three parts in this series, difficult only scratches the surface of self improvement’s downsides.
To be honest, I thought I had covered the subject from pretty much every angle. Well, as I’m willing to admit, I’m only one person and I don’t always see the whole picture. 
Evan pointed out in a comment on part 2 that setbacks can include feeling worse before feeling better.
Then, I realized that I’ve been writing the past few posts as if I’m finished with my efforts. Oops! If I was finished, this wouldn’t be a blog about my journey, would it? So, I knew that the series wasn’t done, I had a least two more points to discuss.
It Can Get Worse Before It Gets Better
Every self improvement effort I can think of requires you to face old habits and ways of thinking since if these habits and ways of thinking were serving you, you would be already living the way you want to. However, as I’ve discussed in previous installments, the subconscious resists change.
Facing limiting habits and beliefs stirs up a lot of feelings. I know firsthand the easy process of going numb. I’ve been doing it so long, autopilot has become so good that no adjustments need to be made along the way. It just happens without any work at all. However, I don’t want to coast along numb anymore, I want to feel good.
I’m sure you are familiar with the old story of Pandora’s Box - where Pandora opened up the chest where all feelings were stored, therefore letting them free to wreak havoc on humanity. Well, self improvement is like opening the mythical Pandora’s Box. Because, in order to feel the good feelings, we have to feel. Which means we have to feel the bad feelings too.
While the subconscious works diligently to return us to numb (asking for food, TV, reading, the web, whatever works to make us “zone out”), once we have felt a little bit, it makes it just a little bit harder to go numb. We still go numb pretty often, but the box has been opened.
When we’ve been working on a self improvement process for a little bit, and the amount of time is different for everyone, but may only be a matter of days, a snowball or chain reaction effect occurs. Feeling a few bad feelings brings a lot more bad feelings. We heal one hurt and 10 more line up behind, asking to be examined. This can be quite overwhelming.
When I started Solution Training, which provides a comprehensive structure for working through difficult feelings and getting to emotional balance, getting to emotional balance was very difficult and only lasted for a short time - sometimes only minutes, sometimes hours. The percentage of time spent feeling good was so low, I pretty much bumped back and forth between bad and numb. This is the time that many people either give up, or seriously consider it.
In my case, I had paid for a full group session, so I would have been wasting a lot of money if I gave up. So, I didn’t and I’m very thankful for that. Continuing to do the work meant I pushed through the worst of the bad and the numb. I won’t lie and say that I was diligent about completing the exercises that are part of Solution Training. I didn’t want to delve into the feelings and heal those hurts - my inner life shut the door pretty firmly most of time. But, I pushed through.
I really have compassion for those who have been through an effort at self improvement who don’t have quite the same structure as I was fortunate enough to be able to afford at the time. I’ve been the traditional therapy route and it had benefits but not as much. I understand the frustration of only being able to attend traditional therapy because it’s what insurance will cover, but not finding the relief you are really looking for. I also have been on three different medications in the past five years. The first two helped to certain degrees, but only the third appears to be doing the trick. So, I understand the frustration that makes one give up on medication as well. Knowing that feeling bad is not where you want to be, but being unable to feel better for any length of time is very demoralizing and is the main reason why I knew I had to write this series.
Taking the time to dig in and get that emotional balance over and over, even if only for a few minutes, has made all the difference. Working with a wonderful doctor who listens and understands, who helped me find the right medication for me has made a tremendous difference as well. However, it has also gotten me to a place where I feel just good enough that my inner life can make me pretend I’m done. Well, that’s not true. If I was done, I would be enthusiastic about exercising regularly. I would be enthusiastic about cooking great food; I know this because I’ve had periods lasting several weeks of this kind of mindset before. I don’t have this mindset, so I know I’m not there yet. Which brings me to my next point.
Coasting When You’re Only Part Of The Way There
A self improvement project will eventually get you to a point where you are feeling better more often that you are feeling bad. Notice I said better and not great. As I discussed in part 1, we undertake a self improvement process because we have had moments of time that are so great that we know where we are now isn’t where we want to be.
I want to pause here a moment and touch on those folks who have been through a deep depression, maybe even suicidal. Again, I’ve been there. Fortunately, I haven’t reached the planning stage, but I understand the overwhelming pain that makes one think that death might be preferable. However, I still had those moments of pure joy that reminded me that there was a better state of mind. Part of me did sincerely think that I was never to have them again - that my mind had snapped and it wasn’t in the cards for me anymore. But, there was a teensy, tiny doubt that it was true. What if was possible that I could feel that way again? I sure as hell knew I didn’t want to feel the overwhelming pain anymore. That niggling doubt was enough to cause me to seek help.
Given that I know what the lowest of the low feels like, when I reached the place of good more often than bad it was very, very tempting to not go any farther. After all, good is so much better than really, really bad. But, good isn’t great. It’s not happiness most of the time. It’s not pure joy. I know pure joy isn’t possible all the time, as I explained in part 2, our mood fluctuates throughout the day. However, I firmly believe that it is possible to reach the place where most of the time, emotional balance is the norm.
The Solution Method refers to this place as having your Solution. This is where you have been in emotional balance so often that your subconscious makes this the new autopilot. This doesn’t mean that you never go out of emotional balance. It simply means that because balance is on autopilot, it is harder to go out of balance, and easier to get back if you do. It means that when you get sad, it’s just sad - it isn’t depression. You know that life sucks, but you don’t suck.
I believe I am about half way there. I will readily admit that the medication I am currently on has significantly affected this. When I first started taking it, it was such a huge improvement that I thought (for a few days at least) - Hey, maybe my problem is not that I have too many hurts, or too many false beliefs. Maybe it’s just a chemical imbalance. Maybe I have my “chemical Solution.” Um, no. I realized that the medication stopped me from going to that low, low place, but not from going out of balance at all. I still have those false beliefs, I still have those hurts. I still don’t have the solid belief that my dreams are worth it and that caring for my body is my duty. There is still doubt about these things.
So, I knew that I was coasting. Which is why yesterday I sat down and tackled some hurts again. Because I knew I had the strength to face the really, really deep hurts, I decided to go for them. Folks, just because I’ve been doing this for over a year doesn’t mean it’s easy, by any means. Nope, it was downright difficult. I found myself yelling at my inner child, pleading with her to open the door of the feelings and let me process them. Finally, she did so, but it seemed like it took forever. And, I only got to touch on them, not process them to any great extent.
This is what self improvement is really like. It’s gritty, it’s messy, it’s painful. However, I believe it’s worth it. I can honestly say, from the halfway point, that I never would have believed it was possible to get this far. I can also honestly say that I still have a long way to go, and I’m not looking forward to those gritty, messy, painful experiences any more than I was when I started. I still wish there was a way to get to the emotional balance autopilot stage without it. So, I’m right there with you - struggling along, doing my best, and assuring you that it’s not all “fluffy bunny” stuff, like many make it out to be.
Photo Credits: Clouds picture by porkfork6; Climber by JasonRogers; Leaf by mlkeewa
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Thanks Cathy.
I really like your honesty. I think it is really important to have this stuff - that tells it like it is - out there.
Thank you! I believe it is important as well. Thankfully, as I’ve been stumbling over the past few days, I’ve seen a few articles out there that touch on this point of view. Not enough in my opinion, but I’m grateful that I’m not alone in shouting in the wind as they say.