Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves - Part 3
April 18, 2008 | In Changing Mindset - Considerations |
Table of contents for Fantasies and Goal Setting
- Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves - Part 1
- Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves - Part 2
- Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves - Part 3
- Fantasies: Fun, Captivating, And The Key To Our True Selves - Part 4
Yesterday, in Part 2, I discussed daydreams in light of how they can help us define our goals and pick out what we really want in life. Today, in Part 3, I want to discuss sexual fantasies in the same way, showing that they can be about so much more than simple pleasure.
Obviously, the first meaning that occurs to us about sexual fantasies is that we want a better sex life. However, there are sex fantasies that bear no resemblance to the way we wish our sex lives were - we firmly wish them to stay just fantasies. So, do we just choose these fantasies because they feel good? I believe that is an important element; however, there is a more important question: Why do they feel good? Because they aren’t just about sex - that’s just the overt message of the fantasy.
All creatures, humans not excepted, are sexual. Although society doesn’t talk about sex and sexuality very openly, it’s a primal part of who we are. Therefore, any desires that are not sexual, yet can be seen in our sexual fantasies, are very deep in our psyche and very much a part of our authentic self. I hope by examining the following common sexual fantasies, you understand why I believe this.
The Rape Fantasy
Anyone who has this fantasy will tell you that it’s not about being raped at all; it’s so commonly known that even the media will say so. Rape isn’t about sex at all. Rape is about domination, humiliation and violence. However, rape fantasies can be about desires that are very empowering.
1. Control over even the bad aspects of life. We all know that crap happens in life that we have no control over. Sure, we can control our reactions, but we don’t have control over whether it occurs in the first place. However, everything in a fantasy is controlled by the one imagining it. While the domination part of the fantasy may be arousing, the aspect of control is much more appealing. Also, because of this control aspect, in a fantasy the “attacked” can say no and it stops.
I’m sure a psychologist could take this even deeper and say that the one having the fantasy is projecting all their emotional baggage onto the perpetrator in the imagined scenario; however, that feels to be to be a bit of a stretch. After all, since it is a fantasy, the one imagining wouldn’t choose a partner whom they can’t stand in real life. Rather, they pick someone they like in real life, maybe even someone who “doesn’t know they exist.” This would be appealing because then they get to be…
2. Center of sexual attention. There is no doubt that the forceful domination in the fantasy makes the one having it the center of attention. It’s all about them and what is happening to them. In real life, many people feel that they aren’t being paid attention to. This doesn’t have to be in a sexual way, but that can be the most obvious. Having a fantasy where you are the center of attention allows you to have what you don’t have in real life.
Going a little deeper, when we’re not paid attention to, we get the message that we don’t matter. Especially in a sexual relationship, feeling like you matter is very important. If that element is lacking in real life, it’s very likely to show up in fantasy life.
3. Being able to express our primal, “impolite” and “improper” side. As I mentioned above, sex isn’t talked about openly in society. I wish this wasn’t so, but unfortunately, it is. While advertisers know that “sex sells,” they are the only ones really allowing sexuality free expression.
However, since our sexuality is such a part of us, we get very mixed messages about what is proper. Is it Okay to be sexual? Will we be looked down upon if we discuss sex?
There’s none of this debate in fantasy. Fantasy is as free to express sexuality as a person can get. The only limits are those of the individual. Since fantasies stay in our head, there’s no one to judge them, no one to tell us that we are being a “tramp” or worse. And, since a domination fantasy such as rape is beyond “vanilla sex”, it’s all the more appealing.
As you can see, although a rape fantasy may appear extreme and even unhealthy on the surface, it really masks much more empowering desires.
Center of Attention
This is a label I’m giving to a fantasy where the person is the one everyone approaches at the bar, or at a dance club. While this fantasy is sexual in nature, it may not actually involve sex itself. Also, as a woman, I can’t tell you if guys have this fantasy or not. I can only vouch for myself.
1. Being attractive. As someone who was teased as a child, being able to go into a crowded bar or dance club and be approached by lots of men is very appealing.
There is a strong allure to being seen as highly attractive, by not just one, but many potential partners. Of course, given this is a fantasy, all are attractive, but even if there are other beautiful people in the room that could be chosen, they are all ignored.
2. The ability to be charming, funny, and coy. In real life, if I was approached by an attractive man, aside from being polite about letting him know I’m married, I would be stumbling over my words and probably feel like I was embarrassing myself.
In fantasy, all of this goes away. All our jokes are funny, all our innuendos have the desired effect. We can even rewind the film of the fantasy and reword what we say if we think of a better way to phrase it. Our smiles and our body language just pull our potential partners closer. There is no need to fear being laughed at or ridiculed - no matter what, we will be admired.
3. Get to show off skills we may or may not have in real life. We get to be a pool shark, or a great poker player. We get to be good at darts, great and dancing, or know exactly which wine to pick.
I can sink a few pool balls, can play Texas Hold ‘Em for a hand or two, probably hit the dart board, walk onto the dance floor but not much else, and don’t really know the difference between a white and a blush. However, that’s in real life. In fantasy, I get to be good at all those things I only wish I was good at in real life. Added to the other points above, I don’t just get to do this alone in a pool hall, but to a chorus of cheers.
The main purpose of sexual fantasies is of course the sexual excitement. But, if others are like me, we tend to have our “favorites.” Whatever that favorite may be, it’s the one that appeals to us over and over. I believe that can’t be just because we know it works sexually.
I believe this is also because, even though we often aren’t aware of it, these fantasies have underlying elements that appeal to us just as much. These elements empower us in ways that we usually don’t have the chance to be in real life. Since empowerment is an important ingredient in getting what we most want in life, it can be very telling to examine our sexual fantasies.
Tomorrow is the last post in this series where I tie all the points I made together. I hope you have enjoyed this series so far, and I hope you’ll come back tomorrow for the final part.
If you have any thoughts or comments on this or any of the other two parts, please leave them below.
Photo Credits: Leopards by rodrigo senna; Black and White Glamor Photo by Lampeduza; Flirting by russelljsmith
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Links to related topics: Being Present, Connecting With Others, Conscious Mind, Do Our Best, Dreams, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Balance, Empowerment, Encouragement, Fantasy, Having Fun, Inspiration, Limiting Beliefs, Listening, Mindset, Passions, Paying Attention, Personal Control, Personal Power, Presenting Ourselves, Self Definition, Self Expression, Setting Goals, Sexuality, Subconscious Mind, Taking Action, Taking Notice, True Self, Unconscious Messages, Understanding Ourselves, Vision
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Thanks Cathy.
Looking forward to the final part. It’s intereting to me how my fantasies change as I age. I think as I’ve got older my fantasies have included more directness and less seduction. As I’ve become better at communicating about sex there seems to be an unreconstructed caveman that wants their part as well.
Looking forward to the final part.