Self Image - I’m Still A Work In Progress
January 24, 2008 | In Making A Diff. Lifestyle |
You may have seen the image below. I have a version of this as the desktop wallpaper for my computer. I often don’t even see the image or the words any more, but a couple of things have happened to me recently that has made it painfully clear I still have a few blind spots when it comes to how I see myself.
It has been made official that I and my husband will be moving in May. My grandmother owns a house that is split into two apartments. She lives in one and rents out the other. We will be moving into the other apartment when the lease on our current apartment ends. However, before we can move into the “new” apartment, there is a lot of work that needs to be done. The whole apartment needs to have old paint scraped, walls spackled and repainted, the hardwood floor needs to be refinished, and there is some plumbing work to be done. A family friend owns a small contracting business and has been hired to do the work. Most days he is working by himself, but over the weekend, I joined him for a few hours to scrape paint. I knew that it would be hard work, but there is a little money to be made, so I was up for earning some extra cash.
What Others See As A “Good Job” Doesn’t Fulfill Me
As I was scraping paint, I was thinking that it was pretty difficult work. The walls are in bad shape and depending on the spot, I was scraping paint, or paint and wallpaper, or paint, wallpaper, and a bad spackle job combined. All those layers took quite a bit of elbow grease to free. While it certainly wasn’t glamorous, and it was tougher than I thought it would be, it brought a new perspective. I thought about how working with my hands was, in a lot of ways, more honest work than selling insurance.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there are lots of honest insurance agents. In fact, of the dozens I’ve worked with, only a handful were less than honest. What struck home for me was how, even though I was there for money, because I was working on the apartment that will become my home, I felt this work was inline with my true self. I am able to bring a lot of my skills and talents to my insurance work, but it has rarely touched that deep, authentic part of me. However, working in insurance is a “good job” that comes with “good pay” which to the outside world makes you a more desirable type of person than someone who works with their hands all day - no matter how ridiculous that perception is. When the times comes that I can be a full time activist, I have no doubt there will be many that don’t understand, and immediately judge me lacking for quiting that “good job”. Last week, this idea bothered me a bit. Today, it has a lot less sting.
I’ve Still Got Work To Do
When we broke for lunch, my grandmother brought up a cup of coffee and some cheese on crackers for the contractor. She didn’t know I was there, but when she saw me, she was surprised. Which I thought she would be because I hadn’t told her I was coming over, and in fact, I was hoping to avoid telling her.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I didn’t want her to know. Part of it may be that I’m afraid she’ll try to give me money if she knows I’m working for some extra cash. I may also be afraid that I’ll have to fight her to take rent for the apartment when we move in. I don’t like conflicts and would rather just avoid a confrontation with my grandmother, so that may be part of it.
I may also not want her to know because I don’t want her to feel obligated to me somehow for helping out with the work. Or maybe I think she’ll judge me for helping out; maybe a part of me is ashamed for doing the work. This is probably the biggest reason, the same “doing work by hand means you’re a lower class citizen” attitude I talked about above. No matter why I have it, my fear sends a big message. It shows me that I as much as I tell myself that I’m a good person, I still fear what others think of me. I also still have work to do in believing in myself.
While I know that overall, I’m gaining confidence in myself and moving forward toward my dream, sometimes things happen that show me that I still have a way to go. They help to humble me and show me limiting beliefs that are holding me back. Two steps forward and one step back still means I’m making progress, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
Have you had an “ah ha” moments lately? Have you had the opportunity to see things from a different perspective? Please let me know your thoughts on these questions, or any other comments below.
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Which work we value is weird. I, and probably most people, think that providing food for us (farming) and nurturing people (parenting, child care) would have to be more important than playing with money (share trading, banking etc). The pay does not reflect these values.
My biggest aha moment recently has been about blogging. I’m still playing to see what it is about and what is possible. But the aha moment was: they’re stuff isn’t that much better than mine, I can do what they are doing, I can make an income from blogging too!
Getting free of other’s opinions about us is hard work. It helps lots to have a few strong relationships with people who do believe in us I find.