My Comfort Zone Is Perhaps Too Comfortable
January 25, 2008 | In Making A Diff. Lifestyle |
I’ve been thinking a lot about money lately. How little I have of it. How I can get more of it. How far I can make it stretch. How much things cost and what I need to replace but don’t want to spend the money on.
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I’m worried about money and I’m worried that my worry is going to overwhelm me and depress me. Sales tax went up in my state and I worry that it will undo me. I fantasize about having my debt paid off and having the freedom to make big decisions. My husband is planning for an advanced degree, and so it has occurred to me that we may even move to a different state. So, of course my mind wonders where we could live and how much it would cost. Forget about the paint that needs to be scraped, the bills that need to be paid and the debt hanging over my head. All of these things are NOW and I don’t want to live in the NOW.
That has always been a problem for me. Call it impatience, call it avoidance, the truth is, I’ve always been a dreamer and thinker. It’s probable that this is an escape from the pain of some things in the here and now. But all of my worry and all of my avoidance are bigger when extrapolated to the future. So, just great - I’m making it worse, but I think I’m making it better!
One thing I’ve said numerous times before is that this is a process and I’m still changing. I’m sure I will say it many times in the future. Well, I guess we are always changing, aren’t we? Sometimes that change is just more painful and immediate than other times.
In November 2006, I started a journey of personal transformation that I’m still in the thick of. I set out to get to the root of my emotional eating and ended up on a process of overhauling my whole life. Several times since that decision, I’ve had events happen in my life that made me feel like my world was turned upside down. I’m slowing righting myself, but my world still has a sharp tilt.
Photo by SMN
But, how many times can I write a blog post that says, “This is hard!” and have people still care? How many times I can say, “I’m tired of all the changes, but I can’t go back now?” before I’m branded as a whiner? How do I explain all the swirling thoughts in my head while still maintaining some privacy? How do I say everything I want to say when I worry about who is reading this?
Do I care that someone I don’t know in my offline life reads my blog? Not at all; it’s an opportunity to make new friends. But what if a potential employer reads this? Will they hire me if they know I’m hoping to leave in a few years and my heart’s not really in it?
Maybe that’s what this post is really about then: How far can I push the envelope and still be comfortable? I will be 32 and the end of April and I haven’t done nearly enough in my life that pushes that envelope. I have let my fear overwhelm me and hold me back. I let other people decide for me how my life was going to go. Not consciously, but I internalized so many messages over the years that I marvel I’ve managed to make it this far.
So, yes, this is really, really hard. Yes, I’m still changing. And, no, I’m not trying to whine, even if it appears that way. What I am doing, in my own, unique and messy way, is overhauling my life, bit by bit. Everything from my eating habits, exercise, and job, to household and finances is getting a makeover. But, most importantly, my thought processes and my ability to maintain emotional balance is getting a makeover as well. When it comes down to it, that’s the part that is the hardest. That’s the part that needs the most change. Thankfully, since that’s also the part that matters the most, small changes have a big inpact.
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Hi Cathy,
Food is about life and death after all. Let’s face it, all the good information and advice out there about healthy eating hasn’t made a scintilla of difference. The issues are indeed emotional - and the way our context impacts our lifestyle too I think. So, changing our relationship to food is bound to be a life overhaul.
A quote that’s helped me (quoted in a Dan Millman book) “Have you built castles in the air? That’s OK. Now put foundations under them.”
The part of the envelope I’m pushing at the moment is writing more personally in my posts. Not easy at all. And awfully hard to know how I’m doing.
Hope you’re having a good day.
Evan,
How true that food is about life and death. If you are addicted to drugs than it is possible to drop those drugs from your life and not consume them. But, if you have problems with food, dropping it is not an option. We still have to eat. And, as you said, looking at emotional eating does bring about a life overhaul. The reason, for me, and probably for others, is that the eating is a symptom. I’ve discovered that the root of a lot of excess in my life (food, computer use, TV watching, even spending on little things) is the same. I have a distorted view of life and the way it’s supposed to work.
I’d never heard that quote before, but I really like it now that I have. I feel like the past few months have been building the castles in the air. I’ve reached a point where I can dream about the future with some belief that it is possible. Before those dreams were fantasies, now they are goals. That’s a huge difference! But, setting the goals is only the first step. Taking action in important too. Which I’m doing little by little, even if each step feels as if through rapidly hardening concrete.
As for writing more personally in posts, I’ve been feeling lately that I’m getting too personal. I know I’m not sharing too much, but it still feels a bit much for me. And, I’m not sure how useful it is to anyone else. So, I’m working on some posts that are still personal, but have a practical value as well.
Cathy,
Well done for taking those small steps. As you say, they can lead to big changes. I have also had a lot on my mind this week, especially money since we have stretched ourselves to the max paying for a holiday. Oh well… I remain hopeful that things will turn out.
Take care and best of luck,
Peter
Peter,
Thanks for stopping by!
I really appreciate your comment. I see you as someone who’s on a similar journey as mine, but you are months ahead of me. I am inspired by folks who have changed their life; it gives me hope and courage for myself.
I hope you enjoyed your holiday and that every penny was worth it’s use.