Flying Out of the Pigeonhole - Mastering the Art of Self Expression
October 8, 2008 | In Authenticity |
Jokes are made about them. Political campaigns are founded on them. Advertising efforts are focused on them. What are they? Call them labels, types, parties, majorities, minorities, genders, demographics, stereotypes - they all boil down to the same thing: turning individuals into a simple “definition” thereby removing personality differences and personal opinions.
However much we hate this when it happens to us, it is very easy to do. Think about it - we can’t read someone else’s thoughts, or feel their emotions. Therefore, we have to base our understanding of their mood and personality by what they say and how they act. And, because they can’t read our thoughts or feel our emotions, they must do the same to us.
We know what we are thinking and we know what we are feeling. Yet what we say and how we act often reflect only a small portion of these thoughts and feelings. By holding back parts of our personality - keeping quiet when we have strong opinions, or standing stoically when we want to crumble - we allow people to pigeonhole us. We give them room to decide who we are. Not based on our true selves, but only on a mask that we choose to wear.
For seven years I worked in the insurance industry, in the commercial lines departments of well known agencies in my area. I wasn’t on the front lines selling the insurance to our business clients, but I was an important part of the agencies and talked to multiple clients every day. Some were small business owners, others were large business owners. Of the almost 50 insurance sales personnel I worked with daily, only two were women. Most of my clients were also men. Of everyone I had contact with, most were conservative, many were religious, and all saw a very muted version of the true me.
In order to work in that industry, I couldn’t talk about my political views, had to hide my tattoos, and squelch my sarcasm. The “me” that my coworkers saw was very much a “me” that was untrue. Once, in a political discussion, I did speak up and let my views be known. I left the gentleman I was speaking with at a loss for words. He was so surprised by my response that he just stared at me. Another time, I let my scarcasm into a conversation and again the reaction was surprise.
Public Faces/Private Faces
For work, I crafted a public face. With my friends I remove the public face and they see a private face. With my husband I show my most private face of all. We all do this. We all have different “sides” of ourselves that we present based on the circumstances.
Our private face or social “side” is what we show to those closest to us. With them, we aren’t afraid to be relaxed and be ourselves. We can be silly, serious, sad, and happy, without worrying about being seen as unprofessional or rude.
On the other hand, our public face, our “professional side” may be very different, even outright fake. I know at times in the past, I’ve smiled and a adopted a helpful attitude, even if I’m dealing with the nastiest of customers. I’ve held back how I really feel about something because I don’t want to upset someone or get into an argument. We do this when we don’t have as much freedom to be silly, or sarcastic, or outspoken about our beliefs. There are times when we have to conform to certain standards if we want to achive certain goals.
photo credit: GirlReporter
Sometimes, we can balance these conflicting personalities. And sometimes, we get fed up with doing so. Sure, we understand the need for seriousness and professionalism or that making fun of the boss is only done over drinks with our pals. But when saying “let’s agree to disagree” leaves you feeling hollow, you know that something has to change.
For seven years I denied this feeling in my own life. I lived with the turmoil brought about by pretending to be someone I’m not. The day I left the insurance industry I knew in my gut I would never return. Since then, I’ve been learning to express myself more often; working to make the “me” I show in public as close as possible to the “me” I show in private. Living my dreams isn’t just about doing what I’ve always wanted to do, but showing the world who I really am.
But, I’ve been wearing the “fake” persona for so long, it’s not easy to shed. I worry that others will judge me. I worry that I won’t get along with my boss. Working through these fears and speaking to friends and family about them has made me realize I’m not alone in either wanting to be authentic, or in fearing what will happen if we are.
The actions below are all ones I’ve taken to become more authentic and work through my fears of rejection.
Injecting Authenticity
1. Taking a good look at my life at “work.” Clearly leaving the insurance industry and then taking a position in a customer service call center changed my work. However, the same fears remain to a certain extent. Especially after being unemployed for 8 months, doing a good job, getting everything right, and becoming a valuable employee are vitally important. The fear of being fired is very real and overshadows a lot of what I do.
But, while what I do and who I am don’t match that well, I don’t have to be the same chipper, super helpful person to my coworkers as I am to our customers. I do my best to keep the same upbeat, helpful attitude, but am more relaxed and natural.
My whole attitude about working itself has changed as well. I see work as my income and as a stepping stone to a better life. Not in the traditional sense of moving up the corporate ladder though. Working in a call center has brought into sharp focus a lot of things about my life and myself that are helping me know where to go next. (Stay tuned - I will be visiting these insights in future posts.)
2. Making subtle statements. In the past, when I mentioned political or religious views, I was met with surprise. Whether it was just the industry/atmosphere, or my approach, I really can’t tell. Since resolving not to remain silent any longer, when someone states an opinion, I respond. I am still respectful of others opinions, but in the past I did so by remaining silent. Now, I state my case, making sure to be clear that while I don’t feel the same way, I’m stating my opinion, not being confrontational.
Also, I let my sarcasm show through. I still tread carefully, but I’m much more willing to tell a joke or laugh along when someone else tells one. My statements are subtle, but at least they aren’t silent any more.
photo credit: ninjapoodles
3. Doing more of those things I enjoy, even if only in my off hours. This may seem obvious, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who finds the persona carries over into personal time as well as company time. When I come home, I change my clothes, but forgetting about work until the next day doesn’t come as easily sometimes. However, changing my clothes then doing something I really enjoy helps me “leave work at work” much quicker.
For instance, I’ve always loved writing fiction and I put it aside a few years ago. Recently, I again got the urge. One of my favorite things to write is nicely called “erotic romance”, not so nicely called “smut”, and referred to with the rating of NC-17 in fanfiction circles. While this is not the blog to go into detail on my stories, I believe you can see that they are very far removed from the conservative, politically correct, employee of corporate America. However, they are right in line with the real me and by working on them again, I honor that part of myself that I spend over 8 hours a day pushing away.
4. Journaling, meditating, and introspection all working to heal past hurts and remove emotional baggage. The negative belief that I’m not as good as everyone else influences a lot of my decisions. Of course because I’m aware of this message I work consciously to overcome it. But, I’m not always able to control how this manifests. However, the more I work to overcome this message, the easier it gets.
As the negative messages fade, my confidence grows. Also, as I take small steps to be myself and don’t get judged the way I’m expecting to, my confidence grows as well. Finally, I’ve been realizing that there are some people I perceived as judging me, but I really didn’t care. I didn’t like them, so what did it matter if they didn’t like me either?
5. Honing my ability to determine who to trust and who not to trust. Trust is a huge deal and a broad topic that will lead to many future posts. I’ve spoken previously about the The 5 Levels Of Emotional Space - the closer you become to someone, the more trust you show in them. In the past, I made my life an open book. I often told people about me and they used it against me. I realize now it was my way to get them to like me. Not very logical, but then neither is the belief that I’m a screw-up. Over the past couple of years, I’ve found myself going the complete opposite way and shutting myself off completely: putting up walls between me and everyone - even in some instances those I have been close to for years.
Now, working to let more of the real me shine through is an effort to find the middle ground. To be open with some, and not open with others and with everyone else to be partially open. I’m learning to be translucent after being both completely transparent and totally opaque.
The Next Step
Aligning our public face with our private face as much as we can is difficult. I believe that I’ve benefited from being myself in more situations. I’ve lived for far too long being one person in a work situation and another person away from work. However, the efforts above work for me; I don’t know if they would work as well for you.
I would love to hear how you tackle this issue. Do you have any suggestions on how to be more authentic? Do you have any tips on how to push past the fear of being rejected to show your true personality? Please let me know in the comments below.
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Hi Cathy,
Perhaps it is because of your weirdness that they love you (or perhaps that is talking about why people would have to love me).
Being myself isn’t such a struggle for me as I am self-employed. The big struggle for me was about how I dress (I decided that I wanted to communicate who I am through my dress - seeing whatever I do people will judge me this way). So I dress in chinos and polos - I wanted to communicate no fuss and down-to-earth. I think this is really who I am.
I wish I was self employed. Unfortunately, that’s not an option for me at this time.
And, you’re right - it probably is for my weirdness that they love me. However, I still don’t feel comfortable expressing that weirdness completely around everyone. But, I’m getting there. Little by little, right?