I like to do lists. They give me a snapshot of all the tasks I need to complete. They assure that I don’t forget something. I get such a sense of accomplishment when I check off one of the items on the list. However, I don’t like the “cosmic to do list” handed to me by society.
For a good part of my life, I felt a pressure to succeed. Be a good worker, make lots of money. The whole 2.5 children and house with a white picket fence. I had a “vision” in my head for how I had to succeed. First, I get a college education. Check! Second I get a good job. Check! Then I get married. Check!
The Wall Street Journal didn’t care that this vision didn’t excite me. My government didn’t care either – they did everything they could to assure that the economy is in the tank and therefore you need to spend more and more just to stay afloat. But, somewhere, back in High School I think it was, I dared to make my own to do list. I dreamed of being a biologist. I still wanted the husband, children, and house, but I also wanted more than just the “rat race.” Then, in college, my list became dimmer and dimmer, and society’s cosmic to do list took over.
Pressure Starts
It became clear that a biology degree wasn’t going to cut it. An environmental career has low entry level wages that if you were lucky would eventually rise to about entry level wages in business. In other words, after doing the work for 10, 15, 20 years I would be about where I could have started in business.
Pressure: How do I afford the house and the kids that way? What about the car and the computer? What about the home theater? What about the pool table? No game room? No house in the burbs with too much land?
OK, no environmental job. Instead, I’ll get an office job with a clear career track. But, I’m not moving ahead that fast, the promotion isn’t coming. What am I doing wrong? That’s OK, go for an industry designation. Then go for another one. Stand out and the promotion will come.
The pressure was mounting and I felt more and more like I was running out of time. I’m in my early 30s and I’ve been married for just over a year. Can’t afford a house and not ready to have children. But, my biological clock is ticking and I can’t afford not to have children now! On the other hand, children interfere with the career. How can I do all of this?
Doesn’t matter, just keep pushing, pushing, pushing and check off those things on the to do list!
WAIT! STOP! How do I get off this train!?!
The problem was, I truly thought this was my list. I thought I really wanted all these things. Then, one day, I realized that I didn’t. The attitude in society may be that this is what I “should” do, but it’s not what I really “wanted” to do.
It was a revelation: “It’s not my list!” I said. I sat up straighter and my head cleared. If it wasn’t my list, then I didn’t have to do all those things. I could do something totally different. I could work for conservation, I could blog. I could put off buying the house and having the kids.
So, I’ve started to do just that. In one respect, it feels great. In another respect, it feels terrible. I had this great revelation and got so much peace, but it was so personal and no one else seems to understand. They are still caught up in their own cosmic to do lists. Explaining is difficult. Most folks like the idea of my blog, but many are cynical about my chances of actually making a difference. I’ve done my best to remain positive, but I would be lying if I said it was easy. I’ve had setbacks. I’ve felt like I’m in over my head.
However, through it all, I’ve reminded myself that I’m the one who has to live my life, so I should live it in a way that makes me happy. My husband agrees with my decisions and that matters a lot. I’m grateful for his support and know that eventually I’ll be able to show others around me why I chose the path I did and why my cosmic to do list has been shredded.
Fabulous.
Wishing you much joy as you continue on the path of liberation.
Joy seems like such a fleeting thing at times. However, I’m learning how to hold onto it for longer periods of time. My plans for the future actually excite me now.
Cathy,
I have learned that I am not one to give advice or solutions or even try. I would normallly refrain from what I am about to say, but I am compelled to tell you what I see so clearly. I really do know better than to barge in uninvited. So indulge me here while I say this.
Make sure you look at and see this amazing person you show me you are. Be ever so grateful you are a young woman in your early thirties that has learned as much as this post demonstrates you have learned. And are putting it into practice as well! It seems you are way ahead of the game where it matters most.
It is wonderous. Really. Hold onto it. There will be no need to show anyone, they will no doubt see it, whatever it turns out to be.
Barbara
Barbara,
Thank you for your kind words! And you don’t even know me!
There is part of me that knows that my friends and family love who I am and that others don’t really matter that much. Unfortunately, that part doesn’t speak very loud and sometimes can be outshouted by the inner critic who says I “should” do something else.
So, yes, I have learned, and I’m still learning. And doing my best to hold onto every memory of joy I can. Those memories are great for when I’m feeling less than great to remind me that things aren’t as bad as they seem.
Once again, thank you for your comment and I don’t consider it uninvited! I love getting comments!
And I also thank you for your insight. It is so nice to know that sometimes what I think is terrible is clear to someone else that I’m blowing out of proportion!
Cathy,
Let me let you in my secret here. The fact is, I do know you. And I know this next thing is a bit spiritual sounding, less of a practical bent, as science is discovering based on studies of energy, it is the fact/truth.
The truth of our oneness.
Barbara
But…I don’t know any Barbaras offline. Just kidding! I understand what you mean.
And, I know it shouldn’t, but it still amazes me sometimes how much I have in common with someone I’ve just met. Although, we are all human and all have the same feelings, even if individual circumstances are different.
Dear Cathy, I just want to share that you are not alone, in wanting and daring to go for what you want. For a long time, I lived with trying to do what is expected of me. I never truly asked myself what I wanted. Fortunately, I got my “list” straightened out too! You have my full support!!!
Love and light,
Evelyn
Thank you for saying I’m not alone – it’s very comforting to know that there are others out there who understand where I’m coming from.
It took so long for me to finally figure out what I want, but there are still times when I wonder if I misplaced my list! I’ll be going along just fine and I’ll speak to someone about what I’m working on and they will blow it off as crazy. However, when I know there are others who have done it, I know that I can do it too and it’s easier to just smile at the doubters.
Dear Cathy,
Thank you for writing this blog. It is a great pleasure to read your posts because I can identify with what you write and it makes me feel like I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing yourself in this way.