On some level I find the idea of “controlling” emotions ridiculous. Emotions are primal and deep, similar to oceans. Humans have tried to “control” the oceans for so long. The best we can do is try to “steer” the oceans. In the end, the ocean is going to have it’s say. However, by working with the ocean, understanding it’s movements, it’s patterns, and it’s properties, we can work with it, enjoying all it has to offer without getting destroyed in the process.

Water aside, emotions are not easy to “control”. And, as you mention, not that healthy for a lot of people, myself included. I’m not familiar with Nancy McWilliams, but I like the analogy she presents. However, in my personal opinion, everyone, whether the lid is on too tight or the heat turned up too high can benefit from the expression of emotion.

In my case, not expressing my anger sent my sadness out of balance into depression. In the case of others, an over expression of anger would indicate that another core emotion was out of balance. Perhaps sadness or guilt was being repressed and explosive anger is the result.

As I mentioned in my response to Evan, I’ve participated in a specific program that has taught me a structure for expressing all the core emotions, and bringing back overall emotional balance in the moment. I suspect that as time goes on, I will have less and less of the buried anger. However, I may always need a structure for expressing emotions that makes sure no particular emotion gets out of balance and overwhelms the others. I will also add that expressing those emotions is something done in a safe surrounding; either with others I can trust to just listen and not judge, or alone (in the car, at home with the windows shut, etc.)

Thank you once again for your comment. I’m grateful for the different perspective.

It’s funny you should mention that depression is anger turned inward – I actually wrote a paragraph about how getting stuck in sadness is unexpressed anger. However, it didn’t seem to fit overall, so I deleted it. I’m glad you brought it up because it has been one of the important pieces for me to realize – if I feel stuck in a sad, depressed kind of mood, then there is probably some anger I need to express.

I also appreciate the advice to getting good support. I actually participated in a specific program over the past year or so that provided a structure to expressing core feelings. As part of the program, I’ve looked at hurtful events from the past, which is where I developed core beliefs about myself and the world. Unreasonable beliefs that once uncovered can be healed, slowly.

Perhaps in the future I will talk more about this program, but for now I’ll just say that I’ve had a lot of success, but I’ve also had a lot of struggle. I’m sure this is normal for anyone making the effort to change their core thought patterns. The program itself leads you thorough intensely personal work, portions of which I will be talking about (or have mentioned already, such as in this post.)

Thank you again for your comments, I’m glad my words were encouraging.

‘Anger management’ is not a solution for all situations; indeed it can do more harm than good. For example in prison it can help some domestic abuse cases where the guy flies off the handle and hits, etc; he can do with learning to ‘manage’ his anger. More psychopathic types, however, don’t have that kind of anger problem – they’re often in very good control of their anger, thank you very much, and employ it to dominate, etc. others. With these guys any strategies they learn are being stored away for use against someone some day.

And that kind of anger management is certainly not for you either. You need to get it out, others need to keep it in. (Nancy McWilliams talks about some folks having the lid on too tight, while others have the heat turned up too high.)

You seem to have figured out something like Janov’s ’scream therapy’. Excellent. (I wonder if over time you’ll be able to get the same benefits from just feeling the anger in your body and not have to do the screaming, etc. which can be, shall we say, uncalled for in some settings!

Thanks for a full and interesting account.

Anger is such a great thing and is usually so badly handled. This childish prejudice is still prevalent even among therapists (who get to talk about other’s feeling all day without having to deal with their own – convenient no? The CBT lot are particularly neurotic about anger IMHO.)

(By the way, depression is anger turned inwards instead of outwards. I bet when you got angry you didn’t feel depressed anymore.)

One piece of advice (hopefully not too unwelcome) if you find the situations are going back in time (happening to you at younger ages) it’s worth considering finding some good support. Surprising stuff can come up and we can feel overwhelmed. But if you feel like the stuff you are working through is getting closer to the present this isn’t such a concern.

The journey you’re reporting and this post in particular I find inspiring.

My heartfelt thanks.