The Angries – “Management” Isn’t Always The Best Idea
According to Wikipedia, “The term anger management commonly refers to a system of psychological therapeutic techniques and exercises by which someone with excessive or uncontrollable anger can control or reduce the triggers, degrees, and effects of an angered emotional state.” Makes anger sound pretty darn negative, doesn’t it?
Photo by Noël Lee
In the movie Anger Management, the Adam Sandler character is sent to anger management classes to learn to control his anger. However, he doesn’t believe he has an anger problem. I was trying to remember exactly why he was in the class, when my husband reminded me that in the opinion of the doctor, played by Jack Nicholson, he repressing his anger so much he could snap at any moment. “Anger management isn’t just about the expression of anger, but about the repression of anger,” my husband said.
However, as is clear from the definition above, that’s not the prevailing idea we have about anger management. Nor is it the idea that was expressed to me by a psychotherapist several years ago.
At the time, I was going through a bad period in my life. Nothing in particular was wrong, but I knew something wasn’t right. I was irritable and in a funk. I couldn’t seem to put my finger on why I felt off, but I knew this wasn’t normal. I went to one therapist who said I had mild depression. I read up on depression and figured that was accurate. Things didn’t work out with that practitioner, so I switched to another, a cognitive behavioral therapist.
In one of our first meetings, he made up a list of goals for therapy. Basically, I was there to deal with/treat my depression. However, he kept pushing for more “goals.” One of the goals he chose, against my agreement, was “anger management.” He never said a word about repressed anger and how to express anger in a healthy way. Rather, the action steps to meet this goal involved deep breathing, visualization, and other “calming” techniques.
Not All Anger Is Expressed
See, rages aren’t my thing – in fact, I’m just the opposite. I’ve got repressing my anger down to an art form. There are several levels of my anger expression:
1. I’m annoyed. I’ll roll my eyes or mumble under my breath.
2. I’m very annoyed. This is the complaining/whining/moaning stage. Women are very good at this – we complain in groups about anything and everything.
3. I’m angry. This is the beginning of the quiet stage for me. I don’t talk, I just get very quiet and focus on something else. Thoughts are churning in my head and if someone tries to talk to me (especially the person I’m angry with) I get passive aggressive.
4. I’m beyond angry. I get very, very quiet and I go completely numb. I disconnect from my body and go into automatic pilot mode. I don’t even think – my mind goes blank as well. The last time this happened to me was about a month ago and I had an hour car ride home. About 30 minutes into the ride, I remember, vaguely, seeing a truck with a sign on the side and my brain reactivating and thinking about the sign. Not about what made me angry, and not about expressing that anger, just the sign.
I bring all of this up now because it has been on my mind a lot today. I’ve been thinking over the past several days about what I want to accomplish in the new year and about why I haven’t accomplished some of these goals already. I’ve been working through psychological blocks, but I know there are more. Lately, whenever I’ve probed my feelings to get at what was holding me back, I’ve come up empty. There’s the numbness again.
Anger Blocks Progress
Except, for some reason, this time I connected the dots and realized that one of my blocks to moving forward is anger. I’m still not sure what I’m angry about. However, it’s quite possible that what started out as a minor thing (a passing comment from a class mate years ago for instance) was pushed down and just grew. Now it’s reached huge proportions, but I still can’t get it out.
See, in society, it’s not seen as proper for women to get angry. Sure, celebrities get angry, but they usually go to extremes. More than likely, it’s more for media attention than a true expression of feelings. But, generally, it’s not polite for a woman to be angry. We’re supposed to…I don’t know, but happy all the time? Let things slide? This doesn’t work. What happens is bickering, bad moods, emotional eating, and accusations of having permanent PMS. If a woman rightly feels angry and stands up for herself, even if it’s done politely, she’s still seen as a witch.
However, I’m not a witch. But I do get angry. Slowly, I’m learning to express that anger in positive ways instead of pushing it down and letting myself get depressed. One big way I did this was by letting out my anger at something that happened back in college. It was a bad memory that immediately popped into my mind whenever I thought about working on or with water.
Finally Expressing Anger Does A Body Good
Then, one day I’d had enough. Something finally clicked in place and I realized I was never going to move forward until I let out the anger about the incident. So, I screamed. I cursed, I raged. Fortunately, I chose a place away from other people and where I wouldn’t be overheard and just let it rip. Afterwards, the memory still hurt, but it wasn’t so raw.
Since then, I’ve used this same technique with other situations. Each time is very difficult because the anger has been repressed for so long I naturally go numb again. But, little by little, I’m letting go of anger related to pushing aside my dreams for so long. And, with each hurt that is healed, I get more and more sure of following those dreams.
This whole process still has it’s kinks and I’m still learning more about myself every time I probe my feelings, especially my anger. However, I’m finding it extremely valuable as it’s freeing me of the psychological blocks that have prevented me from going for my dreams and meeting my goals.
Great post. It is delightful to hear you moving forward with this stuff.
Anger is such a great thing and is usually so badly handled. This childish prejudice is still prevalent even among therapists (who get to talk about other’s feeling all day without having to deal with their own – convenient no? The CBT lot are particularly neurotic about anger IMHO.)
(By the way, depression is anger turned inwards instead of outwards. I bet when you got angry you didn’t feel depressed anymore.)
One piece of advice (hopefully not too unwelcome) if you find the situations are going back in time (happening to you at younger ages) it’s worth considering finding some good support. Surprising stuff can come up and we can feel overwhelmed. But if you feel like the stuff you are working through is getting closer to the present this isn’t such a concern.
The journey you’re reporting and this post in particular I find inspiring.
My heartfelt thanks.
Thank you for your kind words. I was hesitant in posting about this topic because it can certainly be a hot button for some people. The movie may have been a comedy, but anger isn’t. Anger is also deeply personal, especially when we get our beliefs about the world off kilter due to suppressing it and listening to the view that anger is bad.
It’s funny you should mention that depression is anger turned inward – I actually wrote a paragraph about how getting stuck in sadness is unexpressed anger. However, it didn’t seem to fit overall, so I deleted it. I’m glad you brought it up because it has been one of the important pieces for me to realize – if I feel stuck in a sad, depressed kind of mood, then there is probably some anger I need to express.
I also appreciate the advice to getting good support. I actually participated in a specific program over the past year or so that provided a structure to expressing core feelings. As part of the program, I’ve looked at hurtful events from the past, which is where I developed core beliefs about myself and the world. Unreasonable beliefs that once uncovered can be healed, slowly.
Perhaps in the future I will talk more about this program, but for now I’ll just say that I’ve had a lot of success, but I’ve also had a lot of struggle. I’m sure this is normal for anyone making the effort to change their core thought patterns. The program itself leads you thorough intensely personal work, portions of which I will be talking about (or have mentioned already, such as in this post.)
Thank you again for your comments, I’m glad my words were encouraging.
Your personal insight is very striking.
‘Anger management’ is not a solution for all situations; indeed it can do more harm than good. For example in prison it can help some domestic abuse cases where the guy flies off the handle and hits, etc; he can do with learning to ‘manage’ his anger. More psychopathic types, however, don’t have that kind of anger problem – they’re often in very good control of their anger, thank you very much, and employ it to dominate, etc. others. With these guys any strategies they learn are being stored away for use against someone some day.
And that kind of anger management is certainly not for you either. You need to get it out, others need to keep it in. (Nancy McWilliams talks about some folks having the lid on too tight, while others have the heat turned up too high.)
You seem to have figured out something like Janov’s ’scream therapy’. Excellent. (I wonder if over time you’ll be able to get the same benefits from just feeling the anger in your body and not have to do the screaming, etc. which can be, shall we say, uncalled for in some settings!
Thanks for a full and interesting account.
Thank you for stopping by! I appreciate your comment.
On some level I find the idea of “controlling” emotions ridiculous. Emotions are primal and deep, similar to oceans. Humans have tried to “control” the oceans for so long. The best we can do is try to “steer” the oceans. In the end, the ocean is going to have it’s say. However, by working with the ocean, understanding it’s movements, it’s patterns, and it’s properties, we can work with it, enjoying all it has to offer without getting destroyed in the process.
Water aside, emotions are not easy to “control”. And, as you mention, not that healthy for a lot of people, myself included. I’m not familiar with Nancy McWilliams, but I like the analogy she presents. However, in my personal opinion, everyone, whether the lid is on too tight or the heat turned up too high can benefit from the expression of emotion.
In my case, not expressing my anger sent my sadness out of balance into depression. In the case of others, an over expression of anger would indicate that another core emotion was out of balance. Perhaps sadness or guilt was being repressed and explosive anger is the result.
As I mentioned in my response to Evan, I’ve participated in a specific program that has taught me a structure for expressing all the core emotions, and bringing back overall emotional balance in the moment. I suspect that as time goes on, I will have less and less of the buried anger. However, I may always need a structure for expressing emotions that makes sure no particular emotion gets out of balance and overwhelms the others. I will also add that expressing those emotions is something done in a safe surrounding; either with others I can trust to just listen and not judge, or alone (in the car, at home with the windows shut, etc.)
Thank you once again for your comment. I’m grateful for the different perspective.
[...] Evan Hadkins from wellbeingandhealth.net has not only been a frequent commenter, but he also pointed me out to his readers on his blog recently, directing them to my post The Angries – “Management” Isn’t Always The Best Idea. [...]